Coping with vampirism through my iPod

[Melancholy Shade]

So...

My stupidity prevails. I got caught checking on my family. It was stupid of me to think that I wouldn't. So stupid. I shouldn't have done it, but I had to. It's just...I know I ran away, but I still love them. I couldn't not do it...

I found Jimmy at the comic shop. Like always. That kid is never not at the comic shop. He would always be so embarrassed when he came home though. He'd call it his secret place. I knew he would be there. He found me out immediately though. It was my drum sticks. I totally forgot that they would be a dead give away. Adam tried to cover for me, but...it just didn't work out. I blew it anyhow by hugging the poor kid. He started crying. He wanted me to stay, but...I can't. I have to live my new life...and he has to grow up here. I had to tell him though...explain why I couldn't come home or he would never drop it. It wasn't too hard to get him to believe me...I mean the kid lives and breathes super heroes. Why wouldn't he believe in vampires? He's such a good kid.... I'm going to start writing him letters now...address them to the comic shop of course, but at least I'll have some sort of connection with him...

Amy and Gabby were okay. I went home and hid in the backyard. They were playing cards. I wanted to run inside and hug them and play with them, but I knew I couldn't. They were safe...and that was enough for me.

Then we went to the bank to check on my mom. That was the hardest check to make because I needed to get close enough to see her face. My mom can mask almost anything, but her eyes always tell the truth. She's still grieving, but she's alright. She's still strong. That's enough for me.

It has to be. Right?

Right.

[Melancholy Shade]

So...

Adam and I got mugged... Rather, someone tried to mug us. Poor guy never saw it coming. I mean, he couldn't have known that we were vampires, but he still didn't deserve what he got.

I don't really know what happened with Adam. He lost it completely. He just started wailing on this guy. Completely unnecessary. I mean one hit, fine. That's totally whatever. but to keep hitting him at full strength... so not cool. I tried to pull him off him, but he just pushed me off... And then he did the unthinkable... I can't even say it, but it was disgusting... I could never...

I ended up running away and dry heaving in Central Park. It was just so...I can't believe he did it...I can't get that poor guy's face out of my head...

Did I look like that when I was bit?

[Melancholy Shade]

So...

School started and I'm totally still stuck in Dallas. I'm okay though... with school I mean. I've talked to the principal and he was okay with me being late. Plus, I found out I got lead snare. Not drum captain, but pretty darn close. I'm so stoked, but not as stoked as I am about this:

I called Joel. He's so incredibly precious and I really like him, but anyways. He misses me. He told me himself. I can't believe he actually misses me. I mean I hoped he would, but hearing him say it just makes me so happy. I miss him too. I didn't think I would miss him this much, but I really have.

My day just got twelve times better.

For reals.

[Melancholy Shade]

So...

Mission accomplished. We found Adam's sister. She was in Seattle the entire time. So, essentially we wasted two weeks circling the country searching for her for nothing. I mean, we left from Seattle. But whatever. I'll get over it...

When I have time anyway...

School is taking over my life. First, I was catching up on everything I missed. Well...I'm technically still catching up on it, but yeah. It'll get done. It's not like a sleep at night anyway. Then, I was learning all my marching crap since I missed before school band camp and the first week of practice, when everyone starts learning their new places. I got that down first. I had to. I had to show I deserved to be lead snare. They all hated me at first, which is whatever. I get it. I am the new girl invading on their territory and snagging their top spot, but I earned it. They'll see in time that I got that position fair and square. And, if not, I'll beat them into submission using my drum sticks. So there.

I wish I could see more of Joel. But he's all wrapped in football practice right now. At least I'll finally get to see him play. And I'll play all my stand songs for him. I'm playing my show for Hollie though. It's not like I could play for Joel anyway; he's going to be in the locker room.

Speaking of Joel, I'm so dead. But maybe not really. I mean, I do want him to believe I'm a vam...you know... but just him. Not the entire world, But you don't even know what I'm talking about. My brother, in his infinite wisdom, has decided to write and publish a comic book about me. Well, technically not me, but a vampire girl who looks just like me, only she's saving the world. She has a fairy sidekick. And it's ridiculous. But there's nothing I can do about it. I'm so going to yell at him the next time I talk to him...or maybe I'll write that part of the letter in all-caps. I just...what was he thinking? Honestly.

Oh yeah. Fashion report:
School Day One: www.polyvore.com/untitled_48/set?id=36326512
School Day Two: www.polyvore.com/untitled_49/set?id=36405064
School Day Three: www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=36444732

[Melancholy Shade]

So...

I went to the football game tonight. It was nice watching Joel play, but football is still the stupidest sport in the world. But at least I got to see Joel. He's so cute in that uniform.

Our band sucks though. Well, our drum section sucks. I don't know where they found these guys, but not of them were naturally born drummers, that's for sure. Addi said the drum section was comprised of guy who weren't good enough to make the football team. And, she's probably right. That's the only explanation that makes sense. At least with me there there is a consistent beat for the band to play to. I hope that helped out just a little bit.

I also saved a life today... kinda. There was this girl in the forest all by herself tonight. I can't believe how stupid she was. She claimed that she was going to kill herself and then jumped out of the tree. i caught her of course, but still. I know I should have just let it go since I was suicidal before, but I couldn't. Life isn't something that should be thrown away so easily. I know that now. It's sad that I had to die to realize that, but still. Oh it made me so mad. But Jimmy would be so proud...

[Melancholy Shade]

So...

I met a new... person...being...whatever like me. Only, we're not so similar. He likes people food. He tried to convince me that I should eat people too, but I won't. He says I'm fighting against my nature, but I have to. Just because I'm supposed to be a murderer now, doesn't mean I have to be. Right?

Right.

[Melancholy Shade]

So...

Lissa figured it out. What I am I mean. And Charity can't get mad at me either because I didn't tell her. She guessed and I just... I can't lie. Especially when I'm cornered like that. It's just... what am I supposed to say when she asks me what I know about vampires? I mean, I tried to play it cool and be all, "what's to know about fictitious creatures?" And then she wouldn't drop it. And I broke. I shouldn't have, but I did. I mean...I still feel the same way I did. Why was she asking me about vampires? I mean there are tons of other people she could ask, so why me? And then she accused me because of my cold skin and my alleged beauty and all of these things that point to my identity as a... you know what... And what was I supposed to do then? Honestly? I couldn't exactly say no now could I?

I can't say she took it well. She tripped over herself trying to back away from me, but despite all that, I really think we'll be okay. I mean it's kind of awkward right now. I know she's afraid of me, but we talked about it and I think she knows deep down that I would never hurt her. She just needs to get used to the idea of my existence.

We had fun that night though. We broke into the school to do a musical number. And then I made her climb on my back and ran her out of the school so we wouldn't get caught by the janitor. I think she enjoyed it. She made me promise to show her what I look like in the sunlight, though. We'll have to see how that goes...

[Melancholy Shade]

So...

I'm breaking up with Joel. It's nothing he did, per say. It's more what he didn't do. I mean he's perfect. And he's so incredibly warm. And those lips are magic, but our relationship is a lie. He can't accept that I'm a you know what. He says it's asking too much, but I need him to accept me as am. And until he can believe me, we can't really be together. And he won't. He's unshakable. And even if he did believe me, it isn't right. I could bite him accidentally and then he would have to suffer just like me. And I can't do it. I can't risk him. I wouldn't wish this life on anyone, especially not Joel. I care about him too much.

Charity was wrong, you know. Sure the choice is essentially change him or drain him, but there's always a third option: leave him. I choose option three because options one and two are unforgivable.

I don't know how I'm going to break it to him. At least Sylvia will be happy. I know she wants Joel for herself. Even if she won't admit it, she wants him. Maybe then she won't hate me.

I stepped out of bounds though. I ended up on the rez. I was chasing down Leslie; she didn't give me a chance. Lina yelled at me, but no harm was really done. She did, however, tell me to stop sulking about this being what I am now thing. I don't want to. I'm not ready to. And who is she to get on to me about that?! She's not an effing vampire having to deal with effing crap like I am.

Ocean told me it would be okay and I appreciate her doing so, but I just don't want to be consoled right now. Everything is not going to be okay. It never will be.

I met a guy though. He's like me. He would be perfect for me if I had met him a week from now after I've broken up with Joel. He kissed me and everything, and I, like an effing idiot, kissed him back. I'm an evil terrible monster. Not just because I'm a you know... either.

What is wrong with me?

[Melancholy Shade]

So...

I broke it off with Joel. I'm an evil terrible monster, but I did it. He looked so upset...and rightly so. He didn't deserve this. I should have never gone out with him in the first place. I knew this would happen. I knew it. If the you know what goes out with the human, one of them is going to get hurt. Or, in this case, both of us will get hurt. I am in so much pain right now.

I beat up a tree.

I beat up myself. ...well Row found me and stopped me.

I'll never forgive myself for this.

Ever.

[Melancholy Shade]

So...

I spent all night with my guitar and wrote a song for stupid Joel. I'm posting it here because I'll sure as hell never sing it for him, especially not after tonight. He saw me dancing with Flynn...who is just a friend by the way, no matter how it may look. We're just friends. But Joel saw us and assumed I was cheating on him and got pissed. I remember his words exactly; they hurt so bad. When he accused me, I told him that Flynn and I are just friends and that he knew why we broke up, and he lost it completely.

"Right. 'Cause you think you're an effing vampire. Thank God we broke up so I don't have to deal with your craziness anymore."

That hurt. A lot. I started to beat myself up again, but Flynn stopped me. I can't believe he stuck around for that, but whatever. That's what friends are for I guess.

But the song. It goes like this.

I'm sorry
I love you
You don't believe me,
but it's still true.

I didn't want this
to end this way
out happy ever after
got stolen away

so I cry
and I scream
I fight back the tears
starting to stream
as I pray
for that day
when you and I
can be happy again

I'm sorry
for hurting you
believe me when I say
I didn't mean to

I love you
which is why
I had to hurt you
wish I could die

so I cry
and I scram
Reliving you and I
in every dream
as I pray
for the day
when you'll forgive me
and we're okay

I love you
I'm sorry
but this is the way
that it has
to
be

It sucks, but it's the best that I can do.

Kill me now.

[Melancholy Shade]

So...

I know I've been gone for a while. Things have just been so mixed up and crazy and I just haven't had the time to process through all of it to share with the world. But I think I'm ready now.

Flynn (the guy I was dancing with at the bar when Joel saw us) and I are together now. I mean, we tried the just friends thing, but it didn't work out that way. We're just so drawn to each other. And he's ... he's a vamp-- like me. I don't have to worry about giving into the hunger and biting into him. I don't have to hide part of myself or be accused of lying about it because he has the same "issue" as I do. It makes things much easier. And, I hear Joel is with Maddi now. I couldn't be happier for him. He deserves to have happiness after what I did to him.

Anyways... I moved so I'm living with Rowen now. Well... and Flynn also now. And Jimmy too, but we'll wait to get there in a minute. She's been so kind to me, but all I've done is bring two guys into the house. She doesn't seem to mind though. I think she actually likes the company so she's not in this big house by herself. I love her so much. I couldn't ask for a better best friend. Not that Claire isn't also my best friend... or Leslie either... I just... I'm allowed to have more than one best friend. We'll leave it at that.

Let's see... I also quit school. Seriously, when the teacher wasn't looking, I jumped out the window and I haven't gone back. That probably wasn't my best idea... I just couldn't take it anymore. I really couldn't. I'll go back eventually, but not right now. Plus, I had other things to take care of back home.

Jimmy called me and said that Gabby was bitten by the same vampire who bit me, only she didn't survive. Flynn and I left immediately because I wasn't sure I could handle it by myself. By the time we got to D.C., Amy hung herself. Jimmy said something about her being picked on at school and her needed help. And, I guess in thinking both her sisters were gone, she couldn't live anymore. And then... mom. She came home and there I was... she went ballistic. She really lost her head and we had to call 911. Now she's in a psych ward. Maybe that's the best thing for her. I just... it hurt seeing her like that. I know it's my fault all this happened, but the best I can do is give her the best care I can... well not me, but the nurses and doctors I'm paying can. Which leaves Jimmy... we changed him. I didn't; Flynn did. So we're trying to teach him about his new life. I am making him go to school though, so he can just deal with it, but he only cares about his comic books. At least Row's been nice enough to allow him to stay too so I can watch him closer. I can't lose another person in my family. I can't.

I think that's everything... yeah. We're going to go with that's everything since I last wrote. And, if it's not, it's not, but I'm not going to worry about it.

So there.

[Melancholy Shade]

So...

I know I haven't been as faithful to you as I have been in the past. I'm just too busy I guess. I mean, I'm working all the time now that I've quit school. Plus, I'm trying to take care of Jimmy since he's the last family member I have...I can't lose him. I just can't. And, Flynn is kinda taking over my life. Not that I have an issue with that... it's kind of nice. It's just ... he asked me to marry him.

You heard me right: marry him.

Don't get me wrong. I'm very flattered. And I said yes. It's just ... it caught me off guard. We haven't known each other that long. Then again, he quit being a wanderer to stay with me. He really does love me, I guess. That's stupid. I know he loves me.

I'm just nervous I guess. I mean, what 16 year old wants to get married? Then again, I will never not be 16 'cause of the whole vamp-- immort-- way I am thing. So, why not?

Okay... so maybe that's not the best attitude to have, but I really do want to marry him. That's all that should matter, right?

Right.

[Melancholy Shade]

So...

It's Thanksgiving. I never realized how human it was to enjoy and celebrate this holiday. I mean, it's all about coming to share food with your family. For most beings like me, their family is out of contact or dead. Who wants to remember that? And the food: turkey, stuffing, more pie than could ever be needed, all that stuff is not meant for vamp- some of us.

Part of me really missed that. I mean, I hate the food (it was never my favorite meal), but making it with my mom was always enjoyable. Seriously, I would spend hours cooking and checking on the turkey, even when the smell of that stupid bird made me want to vomit profusely. I just...I can never have that again. More reasons to hate being a you know what.

I really did try to be thankful today. I may not have a blood family anymore, except my brother now that he's like me, but I have a new family. Flynn, Rowen, Claire, ... they're the only family I have now. So I should be thankful for them and not be so focused on sulking, right?

Right.

We'll see how that goes.

[Melancholy Shade]

So...

Remember how I was saying I would never get to cook Thanksgiving dinner again. Yeah... because Jimmy found a human friends, I got the Thanksgiving dinner I was complaining about never getting again.I Seriously, 've really got to learn to shut up.

I don't know what was going on with him, but Jimmy was freaking out. He said he knew this girl was going to die if she went home that night. How could he have possibly known that? I guess it doesn't matter. I can't take a chance on some girl possibly dying when I can help prevent it.

And, now I have to find her a safe place to hide. Maybe I'll talk to Claire and Charlie.

The things I do for my little brother.

[Melancholy Shade]

So...

He proposed again. This time he had a ring though. It's gorgeous. See? engagement-and-wedding-rings.sellingengagementrings.com/images/vintage-antique-engagement-rings-1.jpg I love it. I can't believe it's mine, but it is. It's on my finger sparkling right now. I can't stop staring at it. I'm not sure if it's because it's beautiful or if it's just because I'm not sure if I'm just dreaming or not. It's real though.

It's so strange. When I used to picture what my life was going to be like, I never saw myself getting married at 16. Hell, I never saw myself getting bitten either, but I was. Same as now I'm going to get married at 16.

It's funny how things never work out the way you plan them. But maybe all plans should be fully met. Because, there's no fun in everything happening exactly as you want. Where would surprise be? Right?

Right.