Coping with vampirism through my iPod

[Melancholy Shade]

So...

I guess I'm a vampire now.

I know most people would be excited, but I'm not. Not at all. I had to run away from home and leave a suicide note. I hated doing that to my mom, but I had to. I can't risk hurting them. It sucked profusely.

And your eyes become so awfully red. I put in some contacts, but they only lasted three hours. Good thing I thought to by a bunch of them. I am going to have to get a job just to keep my eyes looking semi normal.

And this hunger is killer. I want to eat all the time. But I can't. It's awful. I'm hungry, but I can't eat. If I eat, someone or something will die. I can't let that happen. I ate a dog earlier; I'm sorry but I was just so hungry. I couldn't take it anymore. Some poor kid tomorrow is going to cry because their dog is missing and it's all my fault. I'm a terrible person. There has to be a better way to survive as a vampire without drinking blood. There just has to be.

At least I made it to Forks, Washington. It rains here all of the time; so I can stay here and live a semi-normal life. I enrolled in the local high school for next year today. As I left, this guy kept staring at me. I think they said his name was Jasper. It's like he knew how depressed I was. And I swear he did something. I felt calm and happy all the sudden. That never happens. It went away as soon as I looked at Jasper. I swear there is something going on with that guy.

I made it through the day without killing anyone though. Quite miraculous if you ask me being as I'm so freaking hungry. I feel like I'm going to pass out.

[Melancholy Shade]

So...

I'm not really a fan of being a vampire. It just makes you so hungry. And I know that's just part of it, and it wouldn't be so bad if I ate, but I can't. I still feel guilty about the dog from yesterday. There's a bird out my window. I want to eat it. Which is terrible, I know. I'm just so hungry. I can't do it. I just need to distract myself.

One thing I hate about Forks is that there is no music program. Not that I would join anyway, but I could at least pretend. I had a day. A single day where I was drum captain. Just one day before that twit bit me and made me change. It's all his fault. I don't even know why he did it. I mean was he bored? Would it have been someone else if I hadn't been the last one to leave? Would that someone else eat that bird?

Stupid bird. It sounds so happy. What is there to be happy about, stupid bird? Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. I'm a bird and I'm loving life because I'm not hungry for blood and I got to eat this morning. I hate that bird.

Music. That'll distract me.



I know you can't hear or see me, but I'm totally rocking this beat. Which is actually making things worse. I miss my drums. I'll need a new kit if I'm going to survive as a vampire. Who cares if my neighbors hate me; I need to drum.

UGH!! That f-ing bird won't shut up and I'm just so hungry. That's it. I can't take it anymore. That bird is dinner...

[Melancholy Shade]

So...

I got a job today.

I hate that I used my being a vampire to my advantage and forced him to give my that job. But he wasn't going to give it to me otherwise. And he was such a jerk at first. Stupid stereotypes. I am capable of being a music technician. My age and gender shouldn't matter to him, if I can do it. And I can; I swear. I just can't tonight.

As soon as I got home, I checked out as many books I could find on fixing instruments. I'll read them all tonight. I don't have a choice. I have to prove myself tomorrow. I refuse to have to use my powers against him again. I'm going to earn this job because I deserve it.

I'll need to figure something out for food though. I wanted to drain Matt and every person at the library of all their blood and then search for more. I can't though. I'm still feeling awful about that bird last night. It was just so happy, which made me so depressed. And hungry.

When does the hunger end?!

I don't have time to be hungry. I have to learn all of this by 8:30 tomorrow morning if I'm going to make it to work before the store opens.

It's definitely a Blink-182 night.

[Melancholy Shade]

So...

I am so freaking hungry.

You don't even know.

It took every thing I had not to bite into Matt today. It was his fault for being so ageist. It really irks me. I'm sure it wouldn't have been that bad if he didn't make me so angry. My emotions are just all out of sorts.

I wonder if hunger is an emotion? Or is it just a feeling? Whatever it is, it's annoying as all get out. I hate it. But I'm going to learn not to be hungry if it's the last thing I do. I bought some ketchup, some corn syrup, and some red food coloring. I'll mix myself some fake blood and psychologically trick my body into thinking it's drinking blood.

It has to work. It just has to. I don't know what I'm going to do if it doesn't.

[Melancholy Shade]

So...

Okay.

I know I haven't been here all all week. I haven't felt like coming home. I've been chilling out in the woods around here. Literally.

I've just been so hungry; coming home made it at least forty times worse. Because, then I would be walled up here thinking about food. I hate this part of being a vampire. All I can think about is feeding...every second of every minute of every hour of every day.

Just so you know, food coloring and corn syrup doesn't work. Ketchup doesn't either.

The woods didn't help either. It just made me hungrier seeing all of those wild animals running around doing whatever it is they do. Not having to worry about how freakin' hungry they are.

If I could just eat, I would be fine. But I can't. Killing of any kind is wrong. I was vegetarian before I was turned, and I want to continue living without having to kill anything to survive. Minus that dog...and that bird...and those five squirrels I ate in the woods while I was there. ...Sorry little squirrel family.

At least I got my job. It took a lot of guitar and drum kit fixing and numerous coffee runs, but I still got it. And I didn't even have to convince him. He did it of his own accord.

So at least I'll have something to do this summer...

[Melancholy Shade]

So...

Job was boring today. I literally had nothing to do all day long. I finished it all yesterday. I goofed around on the drum kit all day. I've missed it. I wish I were home. I would still be captain and have band camp to look forward to. ...On second thought, maybe this is better. I hate summer band camp. It makes me feel like I'm melting.

I bit myself today. Bad idea. I thought if I drank my own blood...or whatever it is... it would help. It didn't. It just gave me a nice wound to distract me from my hunger.

I hate this.

[Melancholy Shade]

So...

I hunted for the first time today. Like for reals hunted. A friend, Rowen, took me last night. Did I tell you I made a friend? Well...I did. Yay me.

Back to hunting. I took down a bear. A honest-to-goodness bear. I didn't want to at first because well... I'm not sold on the killing other things thing. But I got this bear. All by myself. I punched right through it's chest and drank all of its blood.

Does that make me a bad person? Vampire? Are vampires people or is that word strictly reserved for humans? Whatever. I had to do it. I almost bit Matt. I didn't have a choice. And that bear could have attacked some poor camper/backpacker and killed them. So, really, I was saving lives by attacking that bear. Right? Saving the bear from attacking people; and saving people from me. Because eventually this hunger would have overwhelmed me and I could have killed someone.

I did the right thing, okay?!

It had to be done...

I think...

I hope...

I don't know if I live or whatever I'm doing like this...

[Melancholy Shade]

So...

I've decided to care about clothes. I mean I'm going to need them for the next forever, I might as well like what I'm wearing. You know? This is what I was wearing today. www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=32480533 I know it's summer and it's probably too hot to be wearing a sweater, but I needed sleeves long enough to hide my hand. The bite mark is still there. It would lead to awkward questions.

That bear really did help. It made the thirst die down enough to where it was bearable. Ha. Bearable. It's funny. If you don't know why, I'm not going to tell you, so forget it. Just trust me; it's funny.

Which leads to a bigger problem. I have to eat, but to eat I have to kill. I'm still not okay with that. But I guess I'll have to get over it. I don't have a choice. If I don't feed, I could kill someone. You get it right? This isn't because I want to do it; it's because I must. There is no other choice. But I swear I won't go nuts and feed all the time. Only when necessary. That makes it better, right?

...I sure hope so...

Oh!

I've finally accepted that this is my life now. I officially have a last name. I'm even going to get some identification that say's I'm Melancholy Shade. Charity's doing it for me. I like her. She's nice, even if she wouldn't give me alcohol. Oh well.

Anyway, I couldn't use my old name. That person is dead. And if I know my mom, that person has had a funeral and has a death certificate and everything. It would make continuing to live as that person difficult.

But actual IDs will make Matt happy. I told him my ID was in the mail. But I couldn't keep that going much longer.

So yeah.

My first pay check is so going towards a new drum set. This practice pad is lame. But it's all I got. So, Box Car Racer, here I come...

[Melancholy Shade]

So...

Today I have a song.

Here we go again
I kinda wanna be more than friends
So take it easy on me
I'm afraid you're never satisfied.

Here we go again
We're sick like animals
We play pretend
You're just a cannibal

And I'm afraid I wont get out alive
No I won't sleep tonight

Oh, oh
I want some more
Oh, oh
What are you waitin' for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight
Oh, oh
I want some more
Oh, oh
What are you waitin' for?
What are you waitin' for?
Say goodbye to my heart tonight

Here we are again
I feel the chemicals kickin' in
It's gettin' heavier
I wanna run and hide
I wanna run and hide

I do it every time
You're killin' me now
And I won't be denied by you
The animal inside of you

Oh, oh
I want some more
Oh, oh
What are you waitin' for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight.
Oh, oh
I want some more
Oh, oh
What are you waitin' for?
What are you waitin' for?
Say goodbye to my heart tonight

Hush, hush
The world is quiet
Hush, hush
We both can't fight it
It's us that made this mess
Why can't you understand?
Whoa, I won't sleep tonight

I won't sleep tonight

Here we go again
Here we go again
Here we go again

Oh, oh
I want some more
Oh, oh
What are you waitin' for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight.
Oh, oh
I want some more
Oh, oh
What are you waitin' for?
What are you waitin' for?
Say goodbye to my heart tonight.

Oh, oh
I want some more
Oh, oh
What are you waitin' for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight.
Oh, oh
I want some more
Oh, oh
What are you waitin' for?
What are you waitin' for?
Say goodbye to my heart tonight.

Oh, oh
I want some more
Oh, oh
What are you waitin' for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight.
Oh, oh
I want some more
Oh, oh
What are you waitin' for?
What are you waitin' for?
Say goodbye to my heart tonight.

It got me to and from Port Angeles today. So I thought I would share it with you. Doesn't it just make you want to dance? I wish I had someone to dance with.

[Melancholy Shade]

So...

I'm a freaking idiot.

Flirting?! Seriously?! Where was that side of me when it could have been useful? Better yet, where was a guy like Joel (you know, charming and a musician) a month ago when relationships were still feasible?

I just HAD to wish for a dance partner yesterday.

IDIOT!!!!

Who knew that one wish would lead to a cute little human boy would beg me to fix his guitar so he could make some little kids happy would wander into the store today. He really was cute. And it's so sweet that he's trying to make others happy. And his blood smelled so good. And he made me laugh. I haven't laughed since before...

And I really can't do this. It's wrong.

I said I would fix his guitar. He named his guitar. How cute is th --STOP IT! It's a business deal. That's it. Maybe it could have gone somewhere else before that stupid twit bit me, but I can't do this... even if he is amaz- QUIT!

I'll have to hunt tonight if I'm going to make it through tomorrow. I'm just so hungry. And it's for Joel's protection. That should justify feeding, right?

God, I hope so.

Oh yeah. Fashion. This is what I wore today.www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=32644390. You don't have to like it. I kind of liked it.

[Melancholy Shade]

So...

I'm still stupid.

Obviously.

Why else would I be trying to find out about his life? I mean, I take other people's instruments and fix them without any pleasantries. The only words I need are "What's the problem," "That'll be x-amount of dollars," and "Thanks." Those nine words get me through the day repeatedly. I don't need to say anything else.

So what is it about Joel? What makes him so special? Well...I know what makes him special. He's -- I can't do this. I need to stop thinking about him. He'll pick up his guitar and be gone. And I'll let him go because doing anything else is wrong.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

No matter how much I wish it wasn't, it's wrong. Interspecial relationships just don't work. So I can't do anything. I have to let him go.

In other news, Charity is amazing. She got me that ID and things with my new name on it. She really saved my ass. I'll have to thank her again when I see her.

[Melancholy Shade]

So...

I saw Joel today.

He's so cute...and funny...and it doesn't matter because it's wrong and I can't do this. Which is why I'm going to dinner with him Monday. Because that makes sense. Not.

What am I doing?

I really should really just call him and cancel. He gave me his number! I haven't ever had a guy's number before...I mean a guy guy, not one of the guys in the drum section.

In my previous life, I would tell my mom all about Joel. We would stay up for hours after the munchkins went to bed baking cookies and I would tell her everything. About his amazing smile. About the fact that he sings as well as plays the guitar and piano. About the fact that he can make me laugh. About his adorable haircut. About everything.

I miss my mom. I hate that I had to leave her and the rugrats: Jimmy, Gabby, and Amy. I hate what I had to put them through more. They think I'm dead. Worse than that, they think I killed myself. I know my mom is blaming herself. I want to call her and tell her the truth, but I can't. It would be torture for her and the kids. Plus, then I would want to go home. And I can't do that. Forks is my home now; I'm going to have to get used to it.

I wish this were easier.

No. That's not true. What I really wish is that this never happened. I wish I was at home, laying next to mom, running through marching drills in my head.

Oh well. Can't have that.

I wish I had someone to talk to about all of this. I guess I could try talking to Joel, but I'm pretty sure telling him that I'm a vampire is out of the question. What am I going to tell him Monday night when he asks about why I ran away? I guess that's the problem with lying. You have to keep making up more lies...

Right. Fashion.

This is what I wore yesterday: www.polyvore.com/untitled/set?id=32725483.

This is what I wore today: www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=32766370.

[Melancholy Shade]

So...

I'm still stupid. But at least I'm keeping my word. I'm going through with my date with Joel. I shouldn't, but I'm doing it. I bought an outfit and everything. www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=32797179 .

This girl named Evelyn helped me pick it out. She said it rocks. I hope Joel thinks so.

I'm pathetic. Swooning over a guy like this. I should have just fixed his guitar and let him live his happy life without me. I could lose it and kill him. He'd just be better off without me.

Oh my gosh...what if I kill him?!

I'll...I'll just hunt before hand. I'll hunt A LOT before hand. Because if I... I don't know how I would keep existing after that. I mean, I suppose I would have to keep existing because I don't think vampires can die... I'll have to ask Charity about that one...

I just need to stop. If I keep thinking about biting him, I'll end up doing it. Self-fulfilling prophecy and all that crap...

It's going to be fine. If I keep telling myself that, maybe it will be.

Oh. Today I decided to be a walking billboard for DC comic's Batman. Jimmy would be proud. www.polyvore.com/untitled/set?id=32796923

[Melancholy Shade]

So...

I went on my date with Joel. I know it was stupid, but, like I told Charity, I wanted to pretend I was normal for one night and have a normal date. That's not a bad thing, okay?! My life just got torn apart and I'm dealing with it, but I get to try for normalcy for one night, so back off, alright?!

The date was amazing. He picked me up in his truck, opened the door for me, and took me to dinner. I threw it up afterwards because while vampires can eat people food, they cannot digest it. It just gets stuck and it's nasty, but the gesture was still nice. Really really really nice.

He's just so cute. A little self-deprecating, but so funny and absolutely adorable.

And he's so ... very wrong for me. I mean he's perfect, it's just that I'm a vampire and we don't play well with things that still have blood in them. Good thing I thought ahead enough to hunt before our date because being in his truck was MURDER. It just smelled like him and he smells awesome. It's so alluring and tempting and it makes my nose and throat burn because it's blood and that's what I eat nowadays. It'll be fine though. I've got ... this ... me ... whatever ... point: it's under control and I won't bite him.

I won't. I won't. I won't. I won't. I won't. I won't. I won't.

He's going to teach me about football. We'll see how that goes.

I hope he calls me tomorrow. He said he would, but I really hope he does.

Geez... I'm pathetic.

Oh well.

[Melancholy Shade]

So...

He called me today. We didn't talk long, but still. He called.

I know this is all completely wrong, but I really do like him. I wish there were some way to go back to not being a vampire, and then meet him. But if I were still human, I would be in D.C. ordering a bunch of kids who can't drum worth crap around and not anywhere near Forks, Washington. So it has to be this way. And, vampire or not, I'm still a teenager. Obviously. I'm mooning over this guy like all those girls I used to make fun of back home...no not home...Forks is home now... back in D.C. I mean.

If I keep calling that home, then I'll never adjust to my new life. I have to separate myself completely from D.C. and stop wishing for my old life. Because I can't have it. And I need to just accept that and my vampirism and move on with my life. Clean break. That's what needs to happen, right? Right.

Fashion = www.polyvore.com/untitled/set?id=33074291