Coping with vampirism through my iPod
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Post by Melancholy Shade on Jun 26, 2011 2:22:24 GMT -4
So...
God... if You're there, I mean... well, I guess that is the question, isn't it? Are You there?
I used to be so certain, but now... now I'm not so sure. I mean, I'm no longer human. I'm a blood-sucking entity who may or may not have a soul. And, regardless of my soul, I can't die. So there is no heaven or hell or anything like that for me. So why would there be a God?
But, God, if You are there, I have one thing to ask. What the hell?! Is this fun for You? Watching my family mourn? Watching me struggle with my new life? Putting a boy in my life when I'm like this and could kill him at any second? What did I do to deserve this?! What greater purpose could this possibly serve anyone?!
Right. Clothes. www.polyvore.com/untitled/set?id=33166919
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Post by Melancholy Shade on Jun 28, 2011 0:40:08 GMT -4
So...
I totally have a song stuck in my head. I don't know why. It's way too upbeat for today. It's called "I Saw It On Your Keyboard" by Hellogoodbye
There exists a melodyThat just might change your mind
Oh, if only I knew the key
To sing to make you mine
And then I saw it on your keyboard
And you saw it on my sleeve
I never knew a heart existed
Outside of make believe
Then I saw it on your keyboard
I knew at least that I might have a chance
To catch a shooting star
There exists a star above
That always steals my stare
And there exists a star on stage
That never seems to care
And then I saw it on your keyboard
And you saw it in my eyes
I didn't mean to scare you
You just seem really nice
And when I saw it on your keyboard
I knew at least I might have a chance
To catch a shooting star
There exists a melody
that just might change your mind
oh if only i knew the key
to sing to make you mine
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh
[x4]
I don't know why it's in my head. Maybe it's the shooting star part. I went star gazing the other night and made a friend. Her name is Claire. We live in the apartment complex. I have a feeling we'll be good friends... at least I hope we will be...
I did the hardest thing today. I gave Claire the pictures I took from home of mom, Jimmy, Amy, and Gabby. It was terrible, but I had to do it. If I can't look at them, I'll be able to forget them easier. And if I can forget them, I won't have to worry about them and I can move on with my life. Is this still life? Whatever. I can move on with my vampiric existence.
I know I did the right thing. Maybe if I keep saying that, I'll actually believe it.
Fashion from two days ago: www.polyvore.com/untitled/set?id=33166919
Fashion from yesterday: www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=33208348
Fashion from today: www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=33235973
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Post by Melancholy Shade on Jul 2, 2011 0:09:55 GMT -4
So...
I was going to ramble on about how yesterday would have been my seventeenth birthday and how I'll never get to celebrate that birthday because of the way I am the way I am, but no. Something else came up and I'm so mad I could spit.
It's my friend Claire. She's perfect and everything I could want in a friend, but I want to beat her fiance's face in. He doesn't even know me, but he's making all these judgments about me and being mean to Claire because she wants to be friends with me all because I'm a ... well... I'm this. Well, I've got news for him. I didn't ask to be like this. It's not my fault. And he shouldn't assume I'm out to drink Claire's blood just because I'm a va- ... I'm like this. Also, Claire can make her own decisions. He can't just control her. So there, Charlie!!
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Post by Melancholy Shade on Jul 5, 2011 20:41:21 GMT -4
So...
Joel came over to my apartment. I kind of wish he didn't because now my apartment smells like him and his blood and it makes me so hungry and yeah...
He had just gotten back to town from Colorado, but I was important enough for him to come visit right away. He even brought me a souvenir: it's a thimble with "Colorado" written across it. It's adorable and I love it. I still can't figure out why it's a thimble though. I have a feeling that there is a reason he chose a thimble out of all the other random objects with "Colorado" on it he could have chosen. But whatever. I'm grateful all the same. Not that it matters because this relationships is totally wrong because he's human and I'm... not.
I just need to stop hanging around humans all together because inevitably, Charlie's going to end up being right and I'm going to bite Joel or Claire or even Hollie on accident and then it'll all be over.
Just thinking about that makes me want to heave.
I hate this.
I really should just hang out with Row or Charity more. At least I can't hurt them because they're already like me.
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Post by Melancholy Shade on Jul 6, 2011 23:49:41 GMT -4
So...
I'm pretty sure what I did today counts as trespassing, but I don't care. Not really I mean. Hollie and I broke into a shed for abandoned instruments. I borrowed a drum and showed off for Hollie some. It was glorious being back on the field. I really have missed it. I also taught Hollie how to drum. At least the basics of it, I mean. She's not bad at it. She convinced me that I should join the band here. She just seemed so excited about it; I couldn't say no. Maybe it won't be so bad.
Oh!
I almost forgot, but Claire called me today. I don't know how she convinced Charlie to allow for the phone call, but I appreciate it all the same. She's married and pregnant now. I'm happy for her, but I'm worried too. I feel like our friendship is just going to end up either hurting her or her relationship with Charlie. She wants to fight for it though, so I'm going to let her do it. She's a good friend... I like her a lot.
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Post by Melancholy Shade on Jul 10, 2011 16:52:27 GMT -4
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Post by Melancholy Shade on Jul 10, 2011 17:05:21 GMT -4
So...
Have I told you that I hate being a vampire? Because I do. I can't even have friends because I could potentially eat them. It's not even that big of a potential because I hate blood. Vampire or not, I'm not that dangerous. I mean I am, but not as dangerous as everyone thinks I am. Especially you, Charlie!
Where on earth do you get off?! I mean, I know I'm a vampire, but you're a werewolf. That puts you in the same danger boat as me. I may not be the same kind of monster as you, but we are BOTH dangerous, so you're argument is completely debunk. If this had anything to do with safety, you would stay away from Claire also, whether it hurts you or not. Your problem is that I am the wrong kind of monster. And I think that you and I both know it.
I just want to scream... or punch him in the face. Claire and I aren't children and he is not her parent. He can't control this forever.
Just saying.
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Post by Melancholy Shade on Jul 12, 2011 0:08:06 GMT -4
So...
Today just got infinitely better. I mean I was angry most of today because of Charlie and such. He just really grates on my nerves. He's such a hypocritical, judgmental, ... but it doesn't matter. Not any more I mean. I mean it does, but just not today. I'm in too much of a good mood to let Charlie ruin everything.
Joel just makes me so happy. He's just so cute and adorable and everything I could want in a guy... except he's human and I'm not, but besides that, he's perfect. Anyway, I'm getting off track. He asked me out!! We're going to the movies on Friday!! And he kissed me!! Not on the lips, thank goodness, not that I would have minded, it's just I haven't hunted in like a week and that could have been dangerous. But whatever. It was still magical. And perfect and wonder- and I've really gotta stop. I sound like a goofy, love-struck, boy-obsessed teeny-bopper. Which I'm not. At all. I just have a date on Friday with this guy I really like.
I'm so excited. Which is weird for me, but whatever. I really need to feed. Not only do I not want to bite Joel on our date, but Claire's coming home tomorrow too and I don't want to bite her either.
I really hate feeding. Oh well. For other's safety and protection, right? I can do this...
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Post by Melancholy Shade on Jul 14, 2011 5:33:22 GMT -4
So...
I've had a pretty weird day today...
I met a few werewolves. And guess what? They're actually fairly nice. I mean, I know I'm supposed to hate them and all, but I think that's stupid. not that's I'm particularly fond of Charlie or anything, but some of them are actually friendly. I met Cat last night. And, I met Leslie today.
Leslie is something else. I think we could really be friends. She reminds me of Gabby... if you know Gabbers was older. But I'm really trying to forget about Gabby and them, so back to Leslie. She's so fully of life and joy and I'm really not sure what to do with her. I've just never had a friend like her. She's exciting though. At least she'll make my life more interesting. I feel like I've lied to her though. I was having a good day today. Usually I'm not this energetic or excitable. Maybe it will be okay though. Maybe I was just excited to have a new friend. I don't know what my deal is today...
I'm glad I fed though. We, meaning Leslie and I, went to a concert. Row was there. Hollie was too, but she didn't look like she was having a very good time. But Row and Leslie and I danced. I know, right? Since when do I dance? It was fun though. I like dancing with Row. ...and Leslie.
I got to see Claire today too. Except that was a little scary. She had a cut on her wrist. I didn't actually see the cut because of the bandage, but I could smell it. I'm so glad I fed last night. Otherwise, I don't know what would have happened. I wish she had warned me, but whatever. I'm so happy I got to see her that it doesn't matter.
Leslie's sleeping now. I let her stay over. I hope she gets some rest and will still like me in the morning. I just don't think I can keep the cheerful act up much longer. We'll see though. I wish I could be asleep with her. I miss sleep... No. That's not true. I miss the fact that sleeping took up so much time.fashion = www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=34005042
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Post by Melancholy Shade on Jul 26, 2011 23:52:20 GMT -4
So...
I went on my date with Joel today. It was wonderful... except for the fact that I almost bit him. ...that was bad. It was my fault. I shouldn't have leaned my head on his shoulder. His neck was too exposed. I caught myself first though. Nothing happened. I kissed his neck instead. Which was probably more awkward, but whatever. He didn't seem to mind. I mean, he kissed me afterwards. On the lips, you know. It was awesome. Only I was afraid of biting him the entire time... I hope he doesn't read too much into that...
I kinda told him I was a vampire though... as a joke. I mean I was being serious, but thank god he thought I was kidding. And then we started joking about me being the next Miss America which is fine. It does pose problems though. He's noticed that I don't eat and that I'm never hungry... at least not for human food... And he's noticed that I'm always cold. He'll eventually make the connection I know he will. And then what?
What am I supposed to say after that? Uhm... yeah...Surprise! You're kinda dating a vampire... I tried to tell you, but you thought I was kidding... but I kind of wasn't. I'm so not looking forward to that day...
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Post by Melancholy Shade on Jul 29, 2011 3:34:24 GMT -4
So...
I've had the weirdest day. Seriously. It could not have gotten any more bizarre.
After tripping and faking human for a few minutes at the park, I started jogging home. I saw Claire, which I was glad of, but she was walking in the middle of the road... which is something no human should ever do. And of course, as luck would have it, a car comes speeding down the road. There was no way she could have moved out of the way in time. So I did what I had to do...I tackled her and rolled us both out of the way.
In doing so, I knocked her head against the concrete though. She was still kinda conscious, but her poor head was bleeding. I can't tell you how good she smelled. And it would have been so easy so drain her, but I didn't. I sucked it up and carried her to the hospital because I didn't know what else to do. And because they could bandage her up because feeding on her was never an option. She's just too important. Plus, Charlie would literally kill me if I had.
Speaking of Charlie, I think things are going to be okay between us now. I think he's finally realized that I could never hurt Claire. Or maybe it's just because I saved her life. It really doesn't matter. What matters is that we both apologized and can stay civil...maybe even, dare I say it, friendly...while in the same room. So maybe not everything sucked about this.
Most of it sucked though. I gave her a concussion. I know she keeps saying it's okay because I saved her life, but I should have thought this through more. I could have easily scooped her up in my arms and carried her to safety. I just had a split second to act and I did the first thing that came to mind. She has nine stitches in the back of her head because of me. She has mild amnesia because of me. She has to stay in the hospital over night because of me.
I know. I know. She's also alive because of me, but still. She's in pain and it's all my fault...
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Post by Melancholy Shade on Aug 1, 2011 3:03:05 GMT -4
So...
I hate myself today for so many things...
I scared Claire. I don't know what happened. I was talking about almost biting Joel because she should know I'm dangerous and that I won't ever hurt her. And then I started thinking about how mad I would be with myself. And then my dad appeared in my head... He was strangling me again... And then I don't know. Claire was yelling at me, trying to snap me out of it, and then I ran away. I hope that's not becoming a habit with me: running away, I mean. I'll have to face the world eventually; just not right now. I wish I could explain what happened to her, but I just don't know how. Maybe I'll try talking to her in a few days... give each other some space and stuff...
And Rowen had to lie for me today. Jimmy showed up at my apartment, looking for me I guess. Thank goodness I wasn't there... I don't know what I would do if I had been there. How did he even find me anyways? I guess it doesn't matter. The point is that he was here. He found me. He even managed to find my apartment. I just hope he doesn't come back. I can't do this; there was a reason I ran away. He brought me a shirt though. My drum captain shirt. I don't know where he got it, but I'm so glad he brought it to me... There are so many things I wish I could say, but I'm glad I didn't have to.
And I punched Adam. He's the first person I've ever punched, but he totally deserved it. He hurt Leslie. It's inexcusable... but then again, me punching him is inexcusable too...
Why am I such an emotional wreck today?
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Post by Melancholy Shade on Aug 3, 2011 23:34:12 GMT -4
So...
I saw Charity. She always manages to make my day brighter. That was mean. I like her, she's just very blunt and exact. Today was not a good day for that. She was all "change him or drain him." Ugh. I hate that those are my only choices, but she's right. I'm going to end up biting him and then I'll be stuck.
What am I going to do?
Either way he's dead and it's my fault.
I hate this.
Being a vampire sucks.
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Post by Melancholy Shade on Aug 4, 2011 16:06:59 GMT -4
So...
I got into a fight with Adam last night. Like a for reals, honest to goodness, vampire smack down kind of fight. To be fair to him, I did start it. I wish I hadn't, but whatever. I punched him right in the mouth for trying to sleep with Leslie after apologizing to her. Who does that, honestly? But whatever.
I wish I hadn't done it. Like honestly and truly wish. I just feel a strong need to protect Leslie. She's one of my best friends here, but it's more than that. It's amazing how much she reminds me of Gabby. And since I can't Gabby anymore, I have to hold on to Leslie. And I'll do whatever I have to do to protect her.
I still shouldn't have punched Adam. He says he forgives me, but the whole situation could still have been avoided if I could have just chilled out.
Oh well.
It's over now. And I think we're going to be okay. We kind of made a pact. If we're both still around and alone one hundred years from now, we'll get together just so we don't have to be alone forever...
Then again, there's always the chance that things will work out with Joel. By work out, I mean I'll bite him and he'll become like me and then, if he can find it in himself to forgive me, we could be together. That seems too optimistic though. He can't even believe that I am a vampire. I tried telling him. At first I think he thought I was kidding, but now I think he thinks that I'm a pathological liar. So I'm just going to drop it. I mean I did my best to tell him and that's all I can do, right?
Right.
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Post by Melancholy Shade on Aug 11, 2011 2:00:21 GMT -4
So...
I'm going back east.
Not to see them. To help a friend. It would be totally stupid for me to go just to see them. Like I would have to be a freakin' idiot to even think about going back there because they think I'm dead... Well... Jimmy doesn't, but whatever. He's stupid. Not really. I'm the stupid one. I called him for his birthday, but whatever. Again...I'm an idiot. ...Which is why I'm going back east. Why couldn't I just say no to Adam?
Whatever.
What's done is done. I'm going to help him find his sister. That's why I'm going right?
Right.
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