To Carson. I'm sorry

[Sammi Renee Bradley]

Dear Carson,

I just woke up from the shot from last night. I don’t believe that you don’t love me anymore. I don’t. I know somewhere, possibly deep in you, that you still love me. You can’t just stop loving me because I don’t like doctors, or needles, or because I threw a little fit about an IV. I just don’t. We’ve committed four years to our relationship, and I don’t see myself not loving you ever. I know that I will love you forever, Carson. That’ll never stop, even if you stop loving me.

I mean, you watched me lose my Daddy. That was messy. I cried, and cried non-stop, and you held me through that. Why can’t you do that now? I think that if you would actually talk to me, not just yell and tell me what to do, but actually talk to me; I’d feel a lot better. I feel like I just lost Mama and Daddy again. Now I’m losing you, and I can’t take it, Carson.

I love you too much to live without you. We’ve been friends since we’ve been able to walk, and I’ve loved you ever since 1st grade when you stopped Jeremy Fitz from pulling my hair in class.

All I want, baby, is to be held. I understand that you’re mad at me for fighting with you about the doctors, and getting more puppies, and being a spoiled brat. I am so honestly sorry. I love you so much, baby. Please don’t leave me. It depresses me, just thinking about you leaving. We can start over, completely. Stop saying ‘I love you’, stop having sex, stop being so comfortable around each other. Go back to the first date stage. Anything to keep us together, baby.

I’ll make compromises. I’ll do anything for us to stay together. I’ll stop being a brat, and I’m working on that now. I’ll eat 5 times a day, every day. I’ll go back to school and make straight As. I’ll stop crying so much. I’ll stay away from pet shops, and won’t think about another puppy. I won’t argue, ‘cuz I know what you want me to do is for the best, and I’m sorry that I’ve fought with you so much.

I promise, I swear to Mama and Daddy that I’ll be everything I’m supposed to be for you. I sound so pitiful. I bet I’ve sounded very pitiful as of late. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for everything, baby. I just want to get married, move out of that house, and live with you and the puppies until we decide to have beautiful babies.

The thought of not having the possibility of having a family with you kills me inside. I’ve lost too many people in my life to lose you, Carson. Please, please don’t leave me.

When you get this, I’ll probably be picked up by Randy, or one of my uncles at the house in Blackwell. And that sucks. I’ll be sleeping by the front door, waiting for you until you come back.

When you do, we can act like nothing happened. Even if it’s 20 years from now, I’ll still be waiting. I’ll wait for you for forever. I’ll never move on, every thought from now on is centered on you.

And again, I sound pitiful, and desperate. But that’s what I am. I’m so very desperate for you to love me, I’ll do anything for us to be the way we used to be. We used to be so cute, and now it’s rare if you see a smile from either of us.

God. Right now, I really just want to have one of our old date nights. Do you remember those? I’d steal your shirt right as we got home from our last class, you’d lose your jeans somewhere in the living room, and I would too. We’d lock the door to which ever room we decided to occupy, and get under the sheets, and just cuddle for a while. We’d talk about our day, and our future. About how much we both miss our fathers. About anything that came up, or nothing at all, and just sit there in silence, looking at each other. After a while, we’d turn on Scooby Doo, and make out. Or nap. Or something that made my heart flutter.

God, I miss that so much, Carson. What I wouldn’t do for one more ‘date’ like that…Maybe one day, when we’re an actual couple again, we can do that. Or we can cuddle now, I’d be okay with that. I’d be okay with even a smile, lately.

So, I guess I’ll end this letter, because someone is probably here to get me now. But just remember that I love you so much, and I know you do too, and I’ll be waiting for you to come back and love me. I know you’re capable of it, baby.

Oh. By the way, I’m sorry that Randy punched you. He doesn’t understand that you get angry out of worry and love. And I am sorry that Jamie slapped you. She’s like Randy, and she’s very dramatic. I’m also sorry that you’ve been pinned with the blame for every bad thing that has happened to me. Like the miscarriage and getting sick from sleeping outside.

All of that was my fault. I should go to the doctor more often since we have sex a lot, and since we sometimes forget to wear a condom. If I had gone to the doctor when I missed my period, instead of shrugging it off, maybe I wouldn’t’ve killed the baby.

And I’m old enough to know better than to sleep outside in the cold and wet, especially since I’m underweight and get sick easily. That was all my fault, and if Randy ever brings it up again, I’ll hurt him.

So, now I’m really going to wrap up this letter. I love you so much, Carson Davis.

-Sammi Renee Bradley.