How does this work? -Jayden-

[Kerli Bakko]

Dear Jayden,

Honestly I don't know how this Email will turn out, I'm drinking and don't even know if it will end up sent to you, or at all for that matter, but they say you can't lie when your drunk maybe its true, who knows? I just...I need to tell you whats going on threw my head right now, and while I'm sober enough to add this: If it starts to seem like I'm mad or Hate you or blaming you, or even wanting to leave you its not that way, you know I never could do any of those things. so here goes:

Jayden,

I love the time we spend together, but its a very short amount of time.. and i just... I feel like... your distant, and I hate it. I hate not knowing where you are, I hate being scared cuz I don't know if your alright, I hate the fact that I have to fill the empty void in my heart when your not around. I hate it all. I hate that I have to cry to Nate because your never around, I hate that I lay in bed at night and hate things you do.

I love it when you are with me and when you kiss me, I love it when I get to tell people I'm dating you, I love it when you worry about me, cuz it means you care and your thinking of me. I hate it that I know that no matter how much I say any of this your never going to change and none of these things are going to change.

You know there are things you don't know about me, and I hate being afraid to tell you, cuz I'm scared you'll leave me again, and I know that saying that will just make you mad, cuz it means "I have no faith in you" bull shit, you know I have all the faith in the world in you. But I can stand the idea that the things I keep from the world piss you off.

Well screw it, I'm done being scared. I hate my life, I hate the things that happen in it, I hate that I cry so much, I hate the people that make me cry, I hate the way I feel when I cry, I hate the memories that come back. I hate that I got pregnant at 15 I hate that my mom hates me cuz I came to Forks, I hate that my grandma and aunt died, I hate that everyone leaves me, I hate that i'm scared everyone I love is just going to vanish from my life one day.

most off all I hate the thought that i'm not good enough for you. I hate that I know I'm not good enought for you i hate that you make me worry about it. I hate feeling guilt I hate drinking I hate it all. I hate my life. I hate feeling unwanted... and alone... Please bear...stop making me hate you...

Kerlz.

[Jayden Stone]

Dear Kerli,

To start with, I'm gonna be honest with you.. I hate that I have to send you this in an email and read about what you feel, instead of talking face to face. But I guess it's a lot easier writing everything out, than saying it. I sit here reading this email from you, which I kinda expected to be bad... why else would you need to write it, instead of calling me up or just saying it? This letter was a thing of all the things you hate... here's some of the things I'm not exactly fond of. I hate that I work too much, and I make you cry. I hate that my dad's an ass, and most of the time I'm looking after the house with him, to make sure we have a place to live. I hate that no matter what I say, it's all just excuses of why I can't be with you 24/7. I hate that you feel like you have to cry to Nate, instead of calling me up and telling me what's on your mind. I hate that you feel you can't tell me everything. I hate that you could honestly think I'll judge you, or leave again. I hate that I ever left, and that I broke your heart. I hate that I'm an ass who can't always admit when he's wrong.

I'm sorry I'm not the man you deserve Kerli, in spite of what you say I know it's not fair. I'm sorry that every point you brought up was valid, I'm sorry I'm always hurting you. I'm sorry I'm not man enough to say everything to your face.. that I'm just a hypocrite who brags about bravery, but makes few brave acts myself. I'm not sorry I fell in love with someone so smart, beautiful and crazy. I'm sorry that you fell for someone like me, who can't even take a day off work to come see you. I'm sorry this email is full of so many apologies that I know won't change a thing, won't lessen the pain you feel.

You get the point I hope... that no matter how much I write, it won't ever be enough. I'll never be able to stop apologizing, because I'll always mess up in one way or another. I know I'm far from perfect Kerli, and I know I give you reason to doubt me. I know I can't even deny the things you've said, 'cause they're all true. But you also should always know certain things about me. Like how I'm permanently addicted to you.. how you drive me crazy yet I love every second of it. I'll never stop needing or wanting you... I'll never push you away or shun you. Abandoning you would be like abandoning my soul, I'd just be empty and useless.... a shell of a man. My love for you makes me able to write such sappy things, and not care what anyone else thinks, because you're my world Kerlz.

[Kerli Bakko]

Dear bear,

I promise.

I promise that no matter what: I will screw up. I love you. I need you. I can't live with out you. no one will ever be better for me. I will stop drinking. I will stop acting like I have things bad. I'll call you more. I'll come see you. I will love you no matter what.

last but not least.. I promise to make you stop doubting yourself.. cuz it hurts to watch you think your not good enough for me, I know you are.. your probably way to good for me and nothing will ever change that. I love you with all my being. and I wont stop till the day I die. and I hope you will be by my side until then.

I love you bear.

[Jayden Stone]

Dear Kerli,

I promise I'll be a better man. I promise I'd never leave you. I promise you'll never be alone as long as I'm around.. I promise I'll try and fail all over again, to show you just how special you are. I promise to love you with all my heart and soul, I promise to marry you one day. I promise one day we'll both get out of Forks and go live somewhere where it's just you and me.

You're everything Kerli. My heart, soul, breath and life.

Always,
Jayden

[Kerli Bakko]

Dear Jayden, 

You wanted me to confide in you, I know you probably wanted this face to face, but I have been thinking about everything that we talked about and your right, I need to tell you everything, why I'm so afraid why I always need to run so here is what I've figured out (and be warned most of this you will already know about me):

My name is Kerli Lynn bakko, I grew up in Colorado with my mom and dad, I would always come to Forks to visit my aunt Bunny and my grandma, they were my favorite people in the world, when my aunt got sick I was in school so I couldn't come take care of her, when she died I was heart broken and started pulling away from my family, when my grandma got sick I came up and stayed with her and took care of her till she died to, I was up here about a year. I made some really good friends and had a boyfriend. I was 15 when my grandma died, my boyfriend said let's run away, I was hurt upset and had nothing. I agreed and got knocked up, I followed threw with it and gave the baby up for adoption. I left my boyfriend and came back to Forks. My mom was mad that I had decided to stay here. She disowned me from the family. I had started phasing when I got back up to forks. I met the loving friends I have now and reconnected with ones I had before no one asked where I had gone for that year while I was gone and still to this day no one has. I had 3 false imprints before you... All three left me broken and alone. I had completely given up on imprinting when I started dating Nate. Then you showed up.. I was scared to love you up till the other day. But I've known that I love you. I'm scared to tell you all this still but you need to know. When I leave I go to Colorado to visit my dad though it makes mom mad. And I hope that one day me and you get married and she gets to meet you and loves you cuz I know dad will. And one day I want to stop phasing and make a family.

That's what I know about myself. I love you Jay.

Kerli

[Jayden Stone]

Dear Kerli.

Your story just makes you living proof that you can't have the bad without the good, and everything about our lives slowly shape us. It just makes me love you all the more, knowing about your struggles, and how lucky I was to come across someone like you. I can't tell you everything right now, and when I do I want it face to face. But one day I'll share my life with you, let you in on every secret. You'll meet my dad and whether or not he loves you, I'll at least rest knowing you've met. I love you Kerli. Never forget that,

Jayden