and it's not the good kind

[Isabelle Viles]

cause if I had one wish, you'd be with me forever.

Why do I have to be that girl? Why do I have to be that one girl that falls so completely in love with a guy and he only ever hurts her? Why can't I get over him? Why can't I open my eyes and see the most amazing guy in the world is right in front of me? Why can't I be a better me? Why do I have to be this broken girl who doesn't know what she's doing anymore? Why does that have to be me?

I don't understand what I did or who I upset so much to make me life a living hell. Sometimes I feel so helpless, like no matter what I do no one is going to be happy. I can't be that girl. If sacrificing my own happiness means that all of the people I love can be happy, that's something I'm willing to do. It's something I've always been willing to do. So why do I have to suddenly become this selfish person that can't let go of someone who needs to move on?

Nicholas Levi has been one of my best friends for a very long time. I guess I realized I was in love with him when we were like fourteen? I'm kinda fuzzy on the ages, but I remember that we were young teenagers and I fell...hard. One thing led to another and we were really into each other and then Pete happened.

I've never loved someone as much as I love Peter Avery Hobbes. Nothing and no one can compare to how much I love him; not my sister, or my mom, or my dad. Not Reagan or even Jacob. No one. I love him with my whole heart and that's why it hurts me so much to hurt him. He's my everything so why must I hurt him so? It's not fair for anyone.

The thing about it is, I didn't just hurt Pete. I hurt Nick and I hurt myself, but I also hurt one of my best friends...Bree. She's been dating Nick for a little while now and I think that they're really in love so how could I have done something like this to her? How could I have just thrown my best friend and my boyfriend's feelings out the window and kissed him?

It's painful. Being without Pete for this long. I'm not sure how much I longer I'll be able to take it before I just storm into that room of his and tell him how much I miss him. God, I miss him. I miss his laugh, his smile, they way I felt when I was in his arms. I miss everything about him.

So, there you have it diary o' mine. I'm in love and I messed it all up.


Welcome to My Life.

[Isabelle Viles]

it's hard to make a conversation, when he's taking my breath away.

So I never planned for my life to be this screwy. Of course, who am I to decide my own fate? Who am I to think that I could have both of them? Someone crazy. That's for sure. The worst part is that this isn't the first time Peter and I have had to go through this (me loving someone else too). We went through it with Jacob. And now with Nick. The only thing about it is, I'm not sure if I'm in love with Nick anymore. I mean, I know I love Peter so much more and I always will. It's always been him for me and it's really too bad it's taken me this long to realize that. But with Nick, it's like when I'm around him I love him, but when I'm not he's just another boy from my past. So maybe I shouldn't hang around with him anymore? But what good would that do me? I'd probably end up being depressed because I'm not spending time with one of my best friends.

I know Bree must hate me. I can't believe Pete forgave me. Everything is just turning for the worse and I don't know how much longer I can hold on. Things aren't good right now and I'm not sure when they will be again. It isn't fair for me to be in love and have someone that I love on the side. That's not fair for anyone. I love Nick. I do. But sometimes when I'm with him I think, "What am I doing here? I don't belong with him. I belong with Pete." So you can see I'm conflicted.

The thing about it is, this one decision has changed everything. Peter and Nick aren't friends anymore. Bree is probably planning my murder as we speak. Nick and I aren't as close. Pete knows he can't trust me as much as he did before. Everything has gone down the toilet, and it's all my fault. I know Nick tries to take some of the blame for it, but it wasn't him. It was me. It's always been me with the problem. I'm just that girl. The one who can't make up her mind until it's too late.

I don't want to be that girl. I want to be with Pete for the rest of my life. I just don't want to make the decision when time has run out. I love him. More than anything and anyone, but I don't know why I can't see that he loves me too. I just crave that feeling.

Growing up, sure I had the love from Sage and the rest of my family and friends, but I never had the unconditional love that only your parents and soulmate can give to you. And now I just can't believe that I have it because I've never known what it felt like before. I miss my parents, a lot and I know they wouldn't be very proud with the mistakes I've made. But I'm sure they'd tell me exactly what I've been ignoring this entire time. If I follow my heart, I can do no wrong. And my heart has always been showing me Peter. Ever since we were little kids playing in the play pin it's always been him.

I love him. More than anything.


Welcome to My Heart.

[/size][/color]

[Isabelle Viles]

and my mates are all there, trying to calm me down. cause I'm shouting your name all over town.

Reagan Harper is my best friend. We've been really close for awhile, but lately it seems like she's keeping a lot of secrets from me. It's like no matter how much I try to get her to talk to me, she keeps shutting me out. Why? Did I do something? I sure hope I didn't. It's been this way since she went away without saying anything. I was mad. Hell yes, I was mad. She's my best friend and one day she just disappears without saying anything at all. I was pissed. Then I was sad. She was supposed to always be there for me, why did she go away like everyone else in my life has? How is that fair at all?

I have abandonment issues. I feel like everyone I love is going to leave me one day. My parents did, Harry did, Jacob did. I know Jacob didn't leave per say, but he chose Bella over me and that hurt a lot. I know it shouldn't because I've got Pete, but it did. Which brings me back to Reagan. She was in love with Jake the entire time we dated. Why didn't she tell me? Yeah, I would've been mad, but she's my best friend I would've gotten over it eventually. And then she started dating Brendan and they were so happy and then she left. I never knew why, no one ever tells me anything. They're afraid I'll freak.

Sure, I've never really been good with people trying to take what is mine, but Jacob is a person. He could've chosen for himself who he wanted. I'm sure now that if she had said something he would've chosen her. Reagan's so much more beautiful then me. With her beautiful smile, laugh, personality. I'm pretty sure boys only like me because I'm a cheerleader. It's really not all that great and I'm probably going to quit soon. It's just not me. I don't know. Rea's just always been the prettier one. The nicer one. People just generally like her more than they like me.

Which makes sense. They should like her more than me.

I just feel like she's keeping something for me and I don't want that. We're supposed to be best friends. Us against the world.

Welcome to My Friendship.

[Isabelle Viles]

you can't play on broken strings, you can't feel anything. that you heart don't want to feel, i can't tell you something that ain't real.

Jacob Black. To be honest there is so much I could say about him and I'd never have enough time. Before Peter, we like to call it B.P, Jacob was my everything. We loved each other. That much was true. It wasn't just another cliche teenage romance that would've ended soon anyway. We truly loved each other. Maybe it's because the feelings had been there since we were seven? Maybe it's because we were best friends before and already knew so much about each other? I honestly don't know, but for some reason our relationship was as easy as breathing.

And gosh did I love him. I think I loved Jacob Black enough for our relationship to have lasted everything, but not an imprint. I didn't think it would ever happen to me either. I always considered Jacob my forever and no one else really compared, but now. Pete is everything. Jacob knows that. It doesn't how much it hurt us at first we both understand that Pete is and always be the one I was made for.

I never really believed in destiny before. Now I can see how it might play into effect here. My entire life I went thinking that Jacob Black was going to be the man I married, but now I know he won't be. He will be there, yes, but standing on the side watching as I marry Peter. It may come across as I'm only choosing Pete because he's my imprint, but that's nowhere near the truth. Anyway, this is about Jake not Pete.

Everything about him brought me in. His smile, his laugh, his personality, his eyes, everything. And the fact that he was just as lost as I was helped a lot. He knew what I was going through at the time and that was all I wanted. I wouldn't be the girl I am today without Jacob Black.

He is my best friend and my first love, nothing and no one can take that away.

Welcome to My Past.[/color]

[Isabelle Viles]

do you know i cry, do you know i die, do you know i cry. but it's not the good kind.

I feel so lost and broken right now. I don't think anyone can know what I'm feeling right now. No one knows how I'm feeling because no one has ever had this done to them before. Give me one example of someone breaking up their imprint? Can do it? Didn't think so. I never thought this would ever happen. I just kept pushing my luck and eventually he broke. We didn't necessarily "break up" because that seems so permanent, and I think we both know that we can't stay away from each other for that long.

That doesn't matter, though. What matters is that I've never felt so alone in my life. I just want to curl up and cry. I'm not going to be able to go on patrols for the next couple of days, considering Sam doesn't want me distracting everyone else with my crazy thoughts. I don't mind much, it seems like I've been running myself into the ground lately. I don't think I could patrol with everyone with them thinking about him every five seconds, hearing their pity, seeing their apologetic eyes.

It's not their fault, so why are they apoligizing? If anyone is to blame, it's me. I knew that what we had wasn't right. It's never been right because I wouldn't let it be. I can't let go of my past enough to live my life in the present. I couldn't let go of Jacob or Nick enough to realize that what I had with him had the ability to be so much better.

I loved him so much. I still do. I don't think I will ever stop loving him. Not just because he's my imprint, but beacuse he's my everything. He knows that and Iknow that and I just have to continue to hope that one day we'll be together again.

Welcome to My Heartbreak.[/color]