Putting it all on paper

[Alana Merez]

Dear Diary,

I probably should've started one of these things sooner, with everything that's happened in my life. Thinking over it all, it seems an awful lot to jot down on paper. When I was little I used to keep one of these. Never went anywhere without it, mostly because I was scared Ryan and Seth would read it. But anyway, I guess it's better late than never, and these days I feel like I could explode with all the things packed inside my brain.

So much drama in such a small place like La Push. But then maybe it's only because the people here are so close, and we all care a bit too much... I don't know. Nothing makes sense anymore, every since the whole wolf thing. As if life wasn't hard enough before, now one of my best friend's gone. And I don't know why..what hurts me most is that she couldn't trust me enough to be honest. I guess when I think about it, I can't judge Rea. I don't know what she's running from, but we've all had those times where we just need space, and have to take some time to find our center...still I wish things would've been different. Less fast paced.

It seems like noone really gets where I'm coming from, or cares as much as I do about this whole thing. They say they do, and I can tell just by looking at Brendan that he loves Rea. But if you care about someone, how can you just sit by while they're missing with the possibility that they might be hurt? It doesn't make sense to me, so the other day I went after Rea. In the end I came back, not just because Rea had contacted me and at least confirmed that she was alive. But what Jae said made sense... it was basically what Pete said in more or less words.. I do have a duty to the pack. And as much as I love my friends, I have to do what I was made to do.. protect the people of Forks and La Push.

Anyway, before I go too far into depressing thoughts, I can see that every cloud has a silver lining. I've still got Ryan, and I can't thank God enough for bringing him into my life. I guess he's always been there, but it's one of those things where you turn around and suddenly you're not blind anymore. You see the person who's always been around, who's never let you down. God, he's truly perfect in every way.

Another thought that worries me though, is that I haven't imprinted yet. I keep thinking of Sam, Emily and Lea... and I can't stand the thought of that happening to Ryan. Before he came along I looked forward to imprinting... finding my soulmate. But now I dread the thought, the knowledge that someone will end up getting hurt.

For now though, I'll try and focus on whats happening instead of what might happen. And I'm running out of things to say, so for now goodbye Diary.

[Alana Merez]

Hey Diary,

I know it's been awhile, and I should probably start writing in this thing daily. But that's a bit hard with everything going on, most of the time I can barely think to myself. But anyway, good news is I'm in a much better place than I was. Of course I've had many challenges to face, and without a doubt more to come. But I'm okay, and I guess that's all that matters. To start with, Ryan and I broke up. He cheated on me with some random girl... well it was only a kiss, but still. I was devastated, because I never thought he'd hurt me so much. I've known Ryan all my life, and I put all my trust and faith in him, only to have it completely crushed. I remember that night clearly. The crushing weight of pain I felt, as if someone had punched and stomped all over me. Just barely making it to a random park, where I cried for what seemed like forever.

It was the night that Reagan came home, which made it somewhat bitter sweet, though honestly that's the first thing I think of when thinking of that night. I was happy to have my best friend home again though, and safe. But before then I'd never had my heartbroken, and the pain of it outweighed the happiness. To make things worse, Ryan and I got into an argument. It was bad... and ended up with him crashing his car, and going into a coma. I didn't know it for awhile, and it made me feel like... like I was the worse person in the world. I can't put into words how I felt.

Ryans's coma brought me out of the zombie state I'd been in. I couldn't eat, or sleep.. only cry until the tears refused to come. But when I got that phone call, I was out the door without thinking. I knew then that I'll always love Ryan. Not necessarily romantically, but our friendship is too deep to just let fade away. All I could think about was whether or not he'd make it, I placed the blame on myself. I still blame myself to this day... but at least now he's out and alive thank God. I met a guy named Mdot aka Mathew. He's one of Nick's friends, and I met him during a game of Halo. But we actually talked at the bonfire Jae put together. Since that moment, we just.. fell in tune with each other.

It started out with just a number on the palm, then movie dates and a dance audition. Finally we had our first kiss, in my house. Then there was a party for Addi in Olympia. It was great, everyone was laughing and just having a good time. Addi was really happy, which is awesome. But Mdot was all I could really think about, I could only see him. I was a bit nervous at first, sharing a hotel with him. But he's a perfect gentleman. I couldn't stop kissing him at the party, and dancing.

It seems like Mdot's perfect for me. We have a lot in common, dancing and singing just a couple things. He makes me feel special, and his whole vibe is addicting. But I can't ignore that I still haven't imprinted. I can't ignore that's the main reason Ryan and I broke up. I'm a bit weary of the whole concept. When I was with Ryan I didn't want to imprint, because I knew it would only end up hurting the both of us. And I still don't. I want to be able to fall in love naturally, I want to live somewhat normally. But it'd be so much easier, if I could just run into him one day. Someone who's meant to stay with me forever, instead of more reminders that in spite of how perfect he seems, according to fate he isn't ' The One '. But then again who knows. Maybe I just won't ever imprint. Maybe this relationship I'm in isn't doomed after all. I don't know.. and I don't wanna think about the future right now.

Life is short, and I'm learning to try to appreciate every second of it. Even us wolves are not invincible. Forever could just as easily be shortened, to just a couple days or even a minute. It's a process, but I'm also learning to think of myself more. I love my friends, and I wish them well. But living for other people only hurts in the end, brings me to a darker place. And I'm happy right now. I'm determined to stay that way.

Oh! Before I forget, apparently Diary, Rea flashed her bra! I saw one of the photos at McDonnalds in Olympia. I wonder how Brendan's taking it.. I don't know, but I hopped out the car to take it down. Sometimes I wonder what the heck my friends are thinking when they do these things.. oh well. You only live once anyway right? And speaking of Reagan, a returning friend, Jace is also back. I'm happy to have everyone back, and it seems like it should be just like old times. But things are never that simple, and there's still Lita who I'm worried about. But enough of all that for now, I'm tired.

Night!!