[M:0]
Post by Reagan Harper on Dec 15, 2010 16:32:43 GMT -4
Diary,
You know I don't believe in jotting down my daily thoughts in a silly notebook, that I believe in only jotting down things that seem significant enough to jot down. Funny thing is, the last thing I wrote about in here was how excited and how scared I was to tell Brendan that I finally loved him. Well diary, we're not together anymore. It's not because I told him I loved him and scared him off, although I wish it was as simple as that. Brendan never lied to me or ran away. I only did that to him.
I'm not exactly sure where to pick up. So much stuff has gone on since I last wrote in this thing. Well, as stated, I faced my fear and told Brendan that I loved him. Turns out he loved me too, but he was just waiting for me to say the words first. Things were great between Bren and I when we were dating, but the things that came with that relationship weren't. The guys at the Rez school didn't appreciate that I was "getting with a white Forks boy for his money" and decided to take things into their own hands or rather, their fists. I tried keeping it from Bren (you know, with the whole lying thing), because I knew it would only make matters worse, but he found out. It ended up getting resolved, even though it probably put a riff in the relationship since I was lying to him. God Diary, I hated doing that to him.
That's when I started to question if our relationship was right. I often feel I'm not good enough to deserve such a great guy as Brendan. We have so much that's against us- his father hating me, the whole wolf thing (which believe me, can be such a hassle), and then there's Jacob Black. Jacob, who used to date my best friend (and I'm pretty sure she's still not over him) and is still so high strung over Bella. As I was questioning everything with Brendan, I started to finally receive a little bit of attention from Jacob. So my solution to everything was my thought, "I think I might be in love with Jacob." Jacob Black, a guy who couldn't give his whole heart to me, and me, who was too scared to give her whole heart to a guy who was so deserving of it... perfect pair right? We had things going for us too: we are both wolves, we both came from a similar background, and we both could be there for each other without the worry of having to give our whole self and heart to the other person. Turns out, Jake didn't really like that idea. He wasn't being intentional about trying to break the little pieces of my heart I was giving him, he was just so oblivious because he's still so much in love with Bella Swann. And I could have related in a way, because I know, I never stopped loving Brendan even though I wanted to.
The breakup between Brendan and I turned out to be very bitter. He knew that I wasn't in love with Jacob the way I thought I was, and that I was just breaking things off with him because I was scared. Looking back, it's unbelievable how right he was. Diary, you know better than anyone that I run away to avoid things. So I, again, lied to Brendan claiming that the main reason we were breaking up was because I didn't believe we were as right as I thought we were originally (then later I added on the whole Jacob thing so Brendan would just give up- he never did). I told him I still wanted to be his friend, and he shot that offer down. He claimed he couldn't be my friend since he still loved me so much. Which completely broke me. Here I was, trying to break Brendan's heart, and I broke my own in the process. Brendan refuses to speak to me, barely even look at me, and I took it hard- to say the least. The first couple days I cried (typical) and had to deal with Jae saying 'I was doing it for attention.' I did an awful thing to myself a couple days after the breakup, right before I went to patrol. I won't jot down what I did, but it was a pathetic way to try to rid the pain I was feeling. I then sought comfort in Peter the most, since he's been someone I always had a really strong connection with, and I remember laying in his bed, claiming that I hated Brendan so much. Peter could tell I was faking hatred to mask my hurt, and told me I shouldn't say things like that. He was right, I didn't hate Brendan. I hated myself for making what seems to be the biggest mistake of my life, and I hated the fact that during the breakup, things didn't turn out as I wanted them too.
I had just gotten on break for Christmas, my last final being the day I broke up with Brendan, and the flower shoppe was going through a major construction project- so I wasn't needed there. All I had was scheduled patrols, but It wasn't as if Sam could 'fire' me. So, I came up with this rash decision to do what I love most. Run, far away. I went to the Hobbes house early in the morning (which is where almost everyone hangs out), collecting everything I had laid around there. Taylor, one of Bren's football teammates, saw me and asked me what I was doing. I told him, and he promised to keep me leaving a secret (with the reminder that Kayla was going to be really upset when she found out). So right when I was packing my car, Cat came in talking about this great party she was going to throw for Christmas eve. I told her I wouldn't be there, and then ended up telling her my plans as well. She swore to keep it a secret, and gave me my christmas present early- which is a wolf necklace I'm currently wearing around my neck. I felt horrible that I was leaving Cat with sudden a burden, especially since the pack would be on her and not the human Taylor. I quickly fled the scene after that.
Well, needless to say- I was getting calls and messages left and right after a couple hours. I had to turn off my cell so they wouldn't track me, and when I got into Oregon, I had a man give me a fake license plate. That man let me stay in his barn for the night, and I turned on my phone to get a text from Cat that the pack was already questioning her. Needless to say, I didn't sleep well that night. When I woke up, I phased into a wolf and thought solely of Canada to catch Alana, who I made the mind connection with, off guard. I'm still not sure if It worked or not. I ended up getting my first text from Brendan since the breakup, simply stating for me to tell him I was okay. My text back wasn't very friendly, and I later apologized about it- and he never returned a text after that. I ended up dying my hair a really dark raven color, and gave in to calling the main house. I freaked slightly when Nate answered the phone, but he told me he'd keep the conversation we had to himself. He wanted me to come home, but I just couldn't. He reminded me that the missing report was out since it had been past 24 hours, and I hung up with the guilt of what I had done to my pack, friends, and family.
I ended up sleeping in my car that night, which was very uncomfortable. I got out for some fresh air at the park and met this very nice lady named Vivianne. I helped her with some bags for the Salvation Army, and she wanted to thank me by inviting me to dinner at her house. I refused, but she was very persistent. So I ended up going, and her house was absolutely beautiful. I then met Vivianne's husband Warren, who is quiet to the point where it's very intimidating. The love between Vivianne and Warren though is unbelievable, and a constant reminder of what I lost with Brendan. Vivianne allowed me to wash up, and I ended up falling asleep in the guest bedroom.
I had a dream about Brendan. I swear I could jot down every single word from the dream, it seemed so realistic- except for the fact that we were actually talking to each other. In the dream, I explained why I ran away from him and from home to Brendan and that breakup up with him was a big mistake. He told me he would take me back, but I told him I didn't believe it. He then reminded me of what was said during the break up about him still loving me, and it's been haunting me ever since. Dream Brendan wanted me to come home, but I'm still not sure if the real Brendan does. Did I only dream of Brendan in a way that I wanted to see him, or could it have been something more?
At dinner, I ended up telling more lies to Vivianne and Warren. Lying seems to be my best talent, now adays. My new name is "Rachel" and I was "far away from home" because I went to a concert my father forbade me to go too. Vivianne asked me to stay for a day or two more, and that's where I'm at now diary. I haven't heard of anything of Brendan, but I told Cat to keep an eye on him and Peter for me. Cat was confused about the whole Canada thing, so I don't think my plan worked...
Anyway, diary- I'm not sure when I'll be home. And even though everyone is pressing for me to return, now I'm becoming too scared too. I'm scared of how people are going to react to me, how much trouble I'm gonna be in, and mainly I'm scared to see Brendan face to face.
Vivianne needs me to help her around the house, so I need to go. Until next time.
-REA
So this is swallowing my pride and telling you I'm sorry that night...
And I go back to December all the time...
You know I don't believe in jotting down my daily thoughts in a silly notebook, that I believe in only jotting down things that seem significant enough to jot down. Funny thing is, the last thing I wrote about in here was how excited and how scared I was to tell Brendan that I finally loved him. Well diary, we're not together anymore. It's not because I told him I loved him and scared him off, although I wish it was as simple as that. Brendan never lied to me or ran away. I only did that to him.
I'm not exactly sure where to pick up. So much stuff has gone on since I last wrote in this thing. Well, as stated, I faced my fear and told Brendan that I loved him. Turns out he loved me too, but he was just waiting for me to say the words first. Things were great between Bren and I when we were dating, but the things that came with that relationship weren't. The guys at the Rez school didn't appreciate that I was "getting with a white Forks boy for his money" and decided to take things into their own hands or rather, their fists. I tried keeping it from Bren (you know, with the whole lying thing), because I knew it would only make matters worse, but he found out. It ended up getting resolved, even though it probably put a riff in the relationship since I was lying to him. God Diary, I hated doing that to him.
That's when I started to question if our relationship was right. I often feel I'm not good enough to deserve such a great guy as Brendan. We have so much that's against us- his father hating me, the whole wolf thing (which believe me, can be such a hassle), and then there's Jacob Black. Jacob, who used to date my best friend (and I'm pretty sure she's still not over him) and is still so high strung over Bella. As I was questioning everything with Brendan, I started to finally receive a little bit of attention from Jacob. So my solution to everything was my thought, "I think I might be in love with Jacob." Jacob Black, a guy who couldn't give his whole heart to me, and me, who was too scared to give her whole heart to a guy who was so deserving of it... perfect pair right? We had things going for us too: we are both wolves, we both came from a similar background, and we both could be there for each other without the worry of having to give our whole self and heart to the other person. Turns out, Jake didn't really like that idea. He wasn't being intentional about trying to break the little pieces of my heart I was giving him, he was just so oblivious because he's still so much in love with Bella Swann. And I could have related in a way, because I know, I never stopped loving Brendan even though I wanted to.
The breakup between Brendan and I turned out to be very bitter. He knew that I wasn't in love with Jacob the way I thought I was, and that I was just breaking things off with him because I was scared. Looking back, it's unbelievable how right he was. Diary, you know better than anyone that I run away to avoid things. So I, again, lied to Brendan claiming that the main reason we were breaking up was because I didn't believe we were as right as I thought we were originally (then later I added on the whole Jacob thing so Brendan would just give up- he never did). I told him I still wanted to be his friend, and he shot that offer down. He claimed he couldn't be my friend since he still loved me so much. Which completely broke me. Here I was, trying to break Brendan's heart, and I broke my own in the process. Brendan refuses to speak to me, barely even look at me, and I took it hard- to say the least. The first couple days I cried (typical) and had to deal with Jae saying 'I was doing it for attention.' I did an awful thing to myself a couple days after the breakup, right before I went to patrol. I won't jot down what I did, but it was a pathetic way to try to rid the pain I was feeling. I then sought comfort in Peter the most, since he's been someone I always had a really strong connection with, and I remember laying in his bed, claiming that I hated Brendan so much. Peter could tell I was faking hatred to mask my hurt, and told me I shouldn't say things like that. He was right, I didn't hate Brendan. I hated myself for making what seems to be the biggest mistake of my life, and I hated the fact that during the breakup, things didn't turn out as I wanted them too.
I had just gotten on break for Christmas, my last final being the day I broke up with Brendan, and the flower shoppe was going through a major construction project- so I wasn't needed there. All I had was scheduled patrols, but It wasn't as if Sam could 'fire' me. So, I came up with this rash decision to do what I love most. Run, far away. I went to the Hobbes house early in the morning (which is where almost everyone hangs out), collecting everything I had laid around there. Taylor, one of Bren's football teammates, saw me and asked me what I was doing. I told him, and he promised to keep me leaving a secret (with the reminder that Kayla was going to be really upset when she found out). So right when I was packing my car, Cat came in talking about this great party she was going to throw for Christmas eve. I told her I wouldn't be there, and then ended up telling her my plans as well. She swore to keep it a secret, and gave me my christmas present early- which is a wolf necklace I'm currently wearing around my neck. I felt horrible that I was leaving Cat with sudden a burden, especially since the pack would be on her and not the human Taylor. I quickly fled the scene after that.
Well, needless to say- I was getting calls and messages left and right after a couple hours. I had to turn off my cell so they wouldn't track me, and when I got into Oregon, I had a man give me a fake license plate. That man let me stay in his barn for the night, and I turned on my phone to get a text from Cat that the pack was already questioning her. Needless to say, I didn't sleep well that night. When I woke up, I phased into a wolf and thought solely of Canada to catch Alana, who I made the mind connection with, off guard. I'm still not sure if It worked or not. I ended up getting my first text from Brendan since the breakup, simply stating for me to tell him I was okay. My text back wasn't very friendly, and I later apologized about it- and he never returned a text after that. I ended up dying my hair a really dark raven color, and gave in to calling the main house. I freaked slightly when Nate answered the phone, but he told me he'd keep the conversation we had to himself. He wanted me to come home, but I just couldn't. He reminded me that the missing report was out since it had been past 24 hours, and I hung up with the guilt of what I had done to my pack, friends, and family.
I ended up sleeping in my car that night, which was very uncomfortable. I got out for some fresh air at the park and met this very nice lady named Vivianne. I helped her with some bags for the Salvation Army, and she wanted to thank me by inviting me to dinner at her house. I refused, but she was very persistent. So I ended up going, and her house was absolutely beautiful. I then met Vivianne's husband Warren, who is quiet to the point where it's very intimidating. The love between Vivianne and Warren though is unbelievable, and a constant reminder of what I lost with Brendan. Vivianne allowed me to wash up, and I ended up falling asleep in the guest bedroom.
I had a dream about Brendan. I swear I could jot down every single word from the dream, it seemed so realistic- except for the fact that we were actually talking to each other. In the dream, I explained why I ran away from him and from home to Brendan and that breakup up with him was a big mistake. He told me he would take me back, but I told him I didn't believe it. He then reminded me of what was said during the break up about him still loving me, and it's been haunting me ever since. Dream Brendan wanted me to come home, but I'm still not sure if the real Brendan does. Did I only dream of Brendan in a way that I wanted to see him, or could it have been something more?
At dinner, I ended up telling more lies to Vivianne and Warren. Lying seems to be my best talent, now adays. My new name is "Rachel" and I was "far away from home" because I went to a concert my father forbade me to go too. Vivianne asked me to stay for a day or two more, and that's where I'm at now diary. I haven't heard of anything of Brendan, but I told Cat to keep an eye on him and Peter for me. Cat was confused about the whole Canada thing, so I don't think my plan worked...
Anyway, diary- I'm not sure when I'll be home. And even though everyone is pressing for me to return, now I'm becoming too scared too. I'm scared of how people are going to react to me, how much trouble I'm gonna be in, and mainly I'm scared to see Brendan face to face.
Vivianne needs me to help her around the house, so I need to go. Until next time.
-REA
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