...don't you fake it.

[Addison McKinley]

I used to keep a journal. I used to write everything down because I just knew some day I'd want to remember what I felt when I was young...

Looking back now, I was happy. I was the most content little girl you would have ever met. On those pages, before February anyhow, were no traces of fear or pain or regret. I was young, I was in love, and sure I was foolish but at least I was happy.

Dr. Stanley thinks it'd be a good idea if I started writing again. And I would have to disagree whole heartedly. I don't want to remember any of this. I stopped writing for a reason, you know? What good would it do to remind me of all the hurt now that I can at least pretend like I've got it under control?

Truth is: I don't.

And it sucks. So, in time I'll tell my story.
Even thinking about it makes me feel empty all over again.

You wanted me to be real, Doc? Okay. Here's honesty:
I can't do this.

-p. 1-

[Addison McKinley]

-p. 2-

I am sick. Like, fever running crazy - throwing up a lot - stuffy nose -nauseated sick. Julian wants me to go to the doctor. My parents want me to listen to Julian. What good are doctors? I walk in, they look at my throat, tell me I have bronchitis and then send me on my way with a pricy perscription.

That wouldn't be so bad if the doctors still did home visits. The waiting rooms, the patient lobbies or whatever doctors offices are calling them these days bring it all back. If a doctor came to my new home in Forks to give me the perscription, that'd be great. But as it were, I would have to go sit in the same cream-colored waiting room that every office favors. In the same seats reading the same magazines.

The magazines I used to flip through while Julian held me hand as we waited to go see Dr. Crentist. The same chairs that reminded you of just how uncomfortable you were sitting there, waiting for the doctor to call you in to tell you more about the exciting adventure you were on.

And it was exciting. It was everything I'd, everything we had ever wanted. Doctors can tell you how good things are going. How healthy you seem and how promising things look. But they couldn't tell us how short-lived the happiness would be before this never ending sea of pain and guilt and confusion and regret.

So, no. Thank you.
I will suck down some Sudafed and drink lots of orange juice and hope this sick away before I'll make a trip to the doctors office.

Julian is still too good to me. He brought me soup and left Trey in the shop to watch my "sick" movies with me. It's never too early in the year to watch It's a Wonderful Life, even if the title is false as far as mine goes.

[Addison McKinley]

-p. 3-

I had the perfect life, you know? I wasn't some triflin' ho that was whoring herself out, not using protection, doing drugs and drinking my life away. I was the opposite. I spent most of my time at Julian's shop with Wookie and Devon and Cash. I was in love and I just knew I was with the man I was going to marry.

I guess that's why I was never worried when I found out I was pregnant. I was a little scared. What sixteen year old wouldn't be? Unless they were crazy and I was not crazy. But I had a healthy support system. My parents: They didn't even seem disappointed. They understood that shit happens and they were ready to deal with it. I think Julian helped a lot in that aspect. He was mature, responsible... He was making steady money and knew what he wanted and how to get things done. He came from a good family. Really, he was the perfect boyfriend/dad-to-be.

I remember making him look at the pregnancy test because I couldn't. And ... that look on his face. It made everything okay. Sure I was young, but I was ready... No one believes me when I say that, but I was. With Julian, I was ready to conquer the world.

In other news.

Christmas blew. I recieved everything I even mentioned, which is great and all... But there was this obvious emptiness in our house. The money they would have spent on Bethy went to me. The attention: to me. I think getting so much shit was a worse reminder than anything. I don't know why I pushed to celebrate. Maybe because I knew it'd have to happen one year. No waking up to Bethy's incessant excitement, and no changing dirty diapers or having all of those baby presents... It was harder than I ever imagined.

[Addison McKinley]

I'm not really good with surprises. Not that I have this ... need to be in control or anything, because trust me I don't. I just like to have a general idea of the things that are going to happen. Now, I'm not the psychologist here: but this is kind of a new thing for me, and I'm assuming it's started because so many things caught me so off guard last year.

So Lexi, the best friend a girl could have, decided to throw me a big birthday bash. My birthday is in February, but since things were so shitty last year, she knew I wouldn't even consider celebrating. Somehow she got all the Forks kids to drive three hours out to Olympia. Kerli was there with her boy, MDot and Alana, Reagan and Brendan, Doc Brun and a friend of his... Julian and Jaelle. Jaki! She had no idea what was going on either. Then Wookie, Waldo, Pebbles, Ice, Cash, Sugar, Candy ... Just everyone was there. And I had fun. Like, real fun.

Except they played that damn "Just a Dream" song... I was dancing, with a boy, and I almost lost it. It hits a little too close to home, ya know?

But let me interrupt myself and say:

This boy is fine. He knows the way I like to be held, the way I like to be kissed. If I knew what was good for me I'd let him go, before I lose my mind.

-p. 4-

[Addison McKinley]

Today was a bad day.

A really bad day.

My parents went home for the extended weekend and so I was alone. Being alone doesn't bother me, so that's not what this is about. So I guess it's time to share. As Dr. Stanley would say "it helps if you get it all out, if you let someone in." I don't really believe that, but here's trying.

Last year when I turned 17 I was six months pregnant. We had a small birthday party at the house, just the Olympians and I. Lexi was there with Trey, Donny was there dateless for once, Julian, Devon, Sara and Kenneth, who could not keep his eyes off of Bethy. And she was happy.

Bethany is, well was, my sister. She looked kind of like me in the face, but she got my mom's blonde hair. We were inseparable. She was my best friend. That night, her and some of the girls from the gymnastics team were going to Seattle. Some over-the-top sweet sixteen was going on for this real bitchy girl on our team. Ken, he wouldn't let her out of sight, and so he went with them. I stayed home with the others. Six months and pregnant didn't scream party time, after all. Now, I wasn't there so I'm still not sure what happened. But the others came home, and Beth didn't. Ken said he got separated from her for five minutes, some fight with an overage douche or something, and when he went to find her she had vanished.

So, for more than a year now, I've been missing the other half of me. And it hurts, every day to wake up and know that she isn't in the next room.

Today was a bad day because I saw her. Plain as day standing in my kitchen. How warped am I? To put myself through that all over again, it sucks. But I could see her clearly, like I could reach out and touch her. And it brought back all of the hurt I've been pushing away and I couldn't even tell anyone who would care because that makes me crazy. And I'm not.

[Addison McKinley]

*BEGIN "LETTERS TO LEO" HERE*

Dear Leo

My name is Addison Paige McKinley. You don't remember me.

...

I have no idea where to begin. Do I tell you all the months that we were in love? Do I tell you how I am creepy dependent on you or how you hold me down? Do I not say anything? I always thought what was meant to be would be... Is this another test or something? Will you find me if I say nothing at all like you found me when no one else was looking?

I don't know how to do this, Dr. Stanley. Is there a format or some shit about getting your boyfriend to remember every beautiful or miserable moment you shared together? Let me know and we can try this letter thing again. Or not. It sucks, if I'm being frank.

[Addison McKinley]

Letters to Leo: Take 2

List of things that are imperative for Leo to know, if I should decide to tell Leo anything.

1. My name is Addison Paige McKinley and I am 17 years old.
2. One time, at prom, you caused a scene in the lobby because you decided to go with my arch nemesis to get at me and I didn't respond the way you wanted me too, I guess.
3. We've broken up a few times, but always came back together.
4. Before you knew me, you told me you loved me. I didn't believe you.
5. The first time we kissed was at a party, in the house where we met.
---- This is imperative. I was hell bent on not giving in. We were in the gazebo and I was curled up under a blanket with you, because you had insisted on being near me and you motioned for me to follow you after a while. And after a minute I went to find you. And you caught me off guard in the kitchen with that kiss.
6. My little brother thinks you're the neatest thing since sliced bread.
7. You make me okay...

There's just so much more and how do you put thousands of memories into a stupid list?