Can you KEEP a SECRET? :: Selenia DeLuke

[Selenia DeLuke]

Alright. So. I guess I'm giving this diary/journal/whatever thing a shot. Why I have no idea, because it's not like I'll remember to write in it every single day. Plus, what are you going to write down when there's nothing that goes on in the town you live in? I guess that's not true. Plenty happens here, I guess, actually. So maybe if I don't use it for events I can use it for what goes on in my head. I heard some people do that, but whatever. There's so much going on in my head that it's a scary thought to put it down on paper that my possible future kids or grandchildren or whatever will read is definitely something I don't want to dwell on. Anyway, back to topic, which, I'm not exactly sure what that is. How do people start these things off anyway? With a 'Dear Diary?' Seems to corny for me. So maybe I'll just start and not worry about that and write an entry when I can actually sort out the thoughts in my head.

[Selenia DeLuke]

yeah, i kinda knew i would find this thing in the confines of my closet or underneath my bed or something. granted, i didn't think it would be almost a year later. oh hell, little over a year later, looking at the last entry date.

so much has happened, it's kind of unreal. kind of why i wanted to find this little book in the first place. apparently alana is going off to juliard soon. granted, i wasn't all that surprised since lana is so talented. but. i'm going to miss her when she goes off to school.

kitty's pregnant. yeah, i know. the little itty bitty petite girl has a bun in the oven. i didn't even know she had a boyfriend to knock her up. that's how big of a rock i've been living under. i'm so excited for her though. i think she's nervous as all hell. but i told her i'd be there for her, which i hope helps.

now to the part about me. yeah, bassackwards, but oh well. everyone always says a journal or a diary is supposed to be about you. and here i am writing about everyone else. oh well. i met a guy. yeah, i know. typical teenage girl entry. make me gag. but seriously. i'm not exactly sure what it is about him. i met him while i was at work. covered in grease and dirt and he complimented me. what was even more surprising was the fact that he was a famous actor. i know, i am not shi.tting you. he is though.

i'm not even sure how we got to where we are. promising to be friends and then being asked out on a first date. to something sort of...unmentionable happening out of the blue. okay, it wasn't completely unmentionable, but it was completely unlike me to do. i guess what had me so wound up about it was the fact that i didn't hear from him for a few days. yeah, here's the part about 'woe is freakin' me' whining and everything about how i got ditched as soon as it happened. especially you know how he was famous and everything. probably just wanted a booty call and left me high and dry. but, the thing is, i hadn't been.

i saw him tonight. i felt like yelling at him, maybe even screaming. i was so upset. but, seeing his face i just couldn't. i couldn't be mad at him. i have no idea what it was. we just..went about it the completely wrong way. but. we're more than friends. whatever that means. i mean, i know what it means, but we didn't really give any specific term to it. i suppose we'll figure it out the longer it goes on. maybe by then we won't feel..awkward anymore. maybe. just maybe. ♥

[Selenia DeLuke]

so much has happened since my last entry, it's surreal. like. even more so. i got pregnant. i know, right? by that amazing guy that i was telling you about. and. well. i left him. don't ask me why, because i'm not exactly sure. i mean. i guess i am, but at the same time, everything is just such a mess.

i was almost fifteen weeks pregnant. with the bump and everything to prove it. and everything was going great. until some little sophomore saw me changing for p.e. class and called me a slut. i wanted to hit her so bad. i guess i was just too stunned to do anything else but run. i cried my eyes out that night. and to top it off. my old boyfriend, jayden came back. he's been gone so long and then just shows up on my doorstep. seeing my baby bump and everything.

i wanted to be just friends with him. i mean, he already meant so much to me. but. he had to go making everything complicating. when i tried going to his house to apologize for yelling such mean things to him when he left my house the night before, something...happened. and i'm not sure how it did. but suddenly he was kissing me. even though he knew i was with someone. i mean, i can't get pregnant being single. well, i could. but then i really would have been a slut.

anyway, i ran crying because i was so confused. i tripped at the end of the sidewalk and just sat there. in the pouring rain for like, thirty minutes until alana just happened to drive by. next thing i knew, i was losing blood and was being rushed to the hospital being told i had had a miscarriage. possibly the worst feeling in the world to ever feel. especially when i involved bubba and nana in on my misery. i felt even worse about that.