Ocean Faith Bailey rants:)

[Ocean Faith Bailey]

Journal.

Today is the day I saw a boy that reminded me of Monroe. Which rekindles my anger towards Jasper.

(ooc: I named him Monroe, he's the boy that Jasper kills in Eclipse)

Monroe and I had something going on, I wasn't sure what, but I'm sure it was something. Monroe wasn't very good at being a bad vampire, or training. He told me about his human life. It was quite boring. Not like mine.

Monroe and I would always stand in the back and hold hands, hiding from Maria and Jasper. He kissed me once. It was right before Maria forced Jasper to kill him. Jasper left a while after he killed Monroe. I didn't pay attention to anyone elses deaths. Everything passed in a blur. Monroe was the greatest thing that happened since I had became a vampire.

One night, I considered blitz attacking Jasper while pretending to watch Jasper teach. He smashed a huge newborn down, and I quickly changed my mind.

The boy looked so much like Monroe, if vampires could have a heart attack, I would've had one.

Well, that's enough depressing stuff for today.

O. F. B.

[Ocean Faith Bailey]

Journal time.

Zephod Matthews. Z. Doll. Darlin'. Puppy.
Mine.

We met when I was walking around in the forest. His friend, Kerli, I was talking to her and the ditz comes up and starts flirting.

Then we met up at a Port Angeles store. And we kissed. A lot. Just to irk an old lady. For fun.
It was very fun.

Z is so sweet, and I don't understand the hate towards him. He's a doll face.

Well, I don't think I've mentioned, he's a wolf. And we're the only vampire/werewolf couple. And people don't really enjoy that...

He makes me feel alive. He treats me like a human. He thinks I'm a human. With a twist. That's a quote. He thinks he's a monster, and attempts to convince me that I am not a monster.

We shared stories. He told me how he ripped a guy's arm off because the guy put a leash on him. I told him how I sliced a boy open for fun. He didn't flinch. My darlin'. He doesn't care if I'm 167. He doesn't care that I used to be a monster. He's my doll, and I'd walk through the flame a million times over for him.

We both know vampires and werewolves alike will hate on us. But as long as we have each other, that doesn't matter.

O.F.B.

[Ocean Faith Bailey]

Journal time.

Well, I fixed my darling phone. And I'm 168. Today. So freakin' old. When I was young, I told everyone I would commit suicide when I got 'old'. But now I have something to live for. Forks has changed my perspective of life. And not just because of my darlin' Z.

Well, Char is a dork. and Z. Of course, it was out of tradition, Z gave me a cake. Then when I told him I don't eat, Char popped up and took a snapshot. I really do love this place, even if it gets boring.

Did I mention 168. Groan. Ick. Ugh. But I'll always, physically at least, 19. But to keep up with appearances, I'm '20'. One more year until I can finally drink at the bar I work at.

[Ocean Faith Bailey]

Well, let's see. Nothing interesting to report to this book of papers. Except that I'm getting married, but nothing to freak out about. I don't have a mother to go shopping with, or a father to walk me down the aisle, or a brother to threaten Z about if he touches me before the honeymoon, Z won't be able to make babies.

That's another thing. I really wish I could bitrh a son or daughter for Z. He's said he doesn't want children, and I kinda don't blame him. But still.

And another thing that makes my unbeating heart squeeze. What happens when he gets old. He told me he doesn't age, like me, as long as he still phases, but how long until he gets sick of me? That would worry me to death, if I could have a heart attack.

He promises he'll never get sick of me, but I don't know. I'm quite annoying. And rebreaking his heart for a second time in one day just to prove I'm a good liar, well I'm surprised he didn't whip me nuts. Lord knows Momma or Daddy or Jeff woulda beat me senseless. I have no clue how he keeps up with me or has the strength to not slap me in the face, Lex does, almost daily.

We have no details about the wedding yet. We do know that for the honeymoon, we can't go anywhere until nighttime, because of the whole vampire skin thing.

I still can't beileve he wants to marry me. We could never be a normal couple. No children, and I have to move around every so often because of my never changing face. I'll leave whilst he sleeps to go hunt animals down for their blood. How the hell could he be happy with that?

Love concurs all.

Ocean Faith Bailey, soon to be Matthew.

[Ocean Faith Bailey]

I cheated. Not on Z. When I went hunting, I stopped at a blood bank and got a little bit. Nothing to completely change my eye color. I have gold eyes with a red hue. I haven't told Z yet, and I wonder what he'll say. He said he'd love me even if I was a 'normal' vampire, but I wonder if he'll hold to it. Oh man. I wonder how long it'll take for my eye to change back to normal. When I was changing from a wild vampire to a vegetarian, that took forever. This really worries me. I interact with so many humans during the day, and Z's one of them. What if I bite him? OH MY GOSH! What if I bite him?! I'd never forgive myself. Oh boy.

I think I shouldn't date marry him if I'm a total monster. I really don't want to start a fight again about this, but I drank human blood and anyone who knows the secret would know that. All the wolves, all the vampires, all the knowing humans. I as doing so good. I shouldn't have stopped and raid the place. I really want to kick myself. How could I cheat? It took me forever to get to what I was yesterday, and I probably threw it away with my actions last night. I didn't kill a human, which is great. If I had killed a human, I wouldn't have came back to Forks.

I would wrote a letter, left it where Z would've found it, and never came back again. That would've broke his heart, for the third time from me. I don't see how he still loves me if I've broken his heart two times already. I'm testy.

I'm telling Z about what happened as soon as I see him. I'm so scared. About time. During our relationship, it's always been Z who was scared to death. Now it's my turn. And I don't like it. If we make it through this bump, I'm never putting him through hell again.

[Ocean Faith Bailey]

So cliche, writing dear diary or dear journal.

I, for the first time in a very long time, am scared. I am scared to death, if that is possible. I made a realization yesterday. I have not really talked to Z since that night. It's most likely just my wild imagination, but there are some facts there to correctly argue my 'imagination'. So scared

I love Z so very much. For him own safety, I am leaving him. He deserves my reasoning in person, but I do not believe I can do that. I am weak at heart. I and my reasoning will crumble if I tell him to his face. Being able to see his eyes fill with tears, his voice breaking. That will kill me. After I break his heart, I will end my life. There has been so many arguments about me leaving, but this time, I will leave.

I expect some people to find my many journals. So, in here I shall include my goodbye letter.

Alexis Marie Layne, yes Layne. I love you very, very much. I deeply apologize for leaving you with Jade, alone. I am so sorry. I love you, Lexi. Please don't be mad. Please don't go after Z. It is not his fault. Not at all. It is my fault. Completely.

Rachel Jade Cair. I know you hate when I call you Rachel. I know this, but everyone is getting called by their full name, so get over it. I love you, my little Jadey. I am sorry for leaving without fully training you, but Lex knows what I want you to know. Jade, this is my last request. Please do not go attack, or kill Z. Please.

Zephod Matthew, I love you. So much. You've made me extremely happy, the time we've known each other. I apologize for breaking your heart multiple times. Please do not do anything drastic when I am gone. I've lived my life longer than I was supposed to, please, just let me go. I know it will hurt you deeply, but trust me, time heals every wound. I know it doesn't feel that way, baby, but the hurt will lessen. I'm sorry for saying I'd marry you, then backing out and ending my life. I am so sorry, I feel as if I can not stress it enough. My last request for you, darling, please respect it. I want you to get rid of anything of mine that you might have. Any pictures, my phone number, and if everything in Forks reminds you of me, move deep into La Push, or move away from here. I am so sorry. So sorry. I love you.

Ocean.

[Ocean Faith Bailey]

As I sit here, writing, I continue to hate myself even more. I don't know how we went from a happy couple to what I believe we are now which is hanging by a thread. It might've been because I freaked out on him. He apparently has 'life-like' flashbacks and takes medicine for them. He forgot yesterday, and had one about his step-father making his mother cry, and then they called him useless. He was crying and I was on the verge of breaking down. He fell asleep, woke up a few minutes later, and didn't remember a thing. I was shocked beyond belief. Then he told me about what happens when he forgets to take his medicine. That was the first I had heard of this and I was down right pissed. I don't say that often, but I was pissed. I told him I needed some time alone to think.

I came to him and told him that we had to talk, and he must've thought I was ending our relationship. I asked why he didn't tell me and he said that it isn't a good thing to find out your boyfriend is a psycho. My heart semi-broke when he said boyfriend, and I corrected him quickly. He thought that if he had told me that he was on medication, that I wouldn't love him any more. Then he hit himself. I stood and walked a few feet away. I had full faith that he wouldn't hit me. But he thought I didn't and yelled at me. He pointed out that he had never hit me, even when he was furious. I don't like it when he yells. I don't.

Then later I found out that he's, what the kids call it now a days, emo. This means he cuts his arm. He has over 100 scars combined on just his arms. I made him promise he wouldn't cut himself any more. The last time he cut himself was about 4 months ago. Then later, he and Charity weren't getting along and I started to slam my head against a tree. He told me don't do that. I told him to not cut himself. It just slipped, like a cuss. I didn't mean it, and regretted it the moment it came out of my mouth.

All he did was shrug. He wouldn't talk. I would've preferred him to yell in that situation instead of being quiet. I know I hurt him, probably worse than I've ever done. When he left, he didn't give me a hug or a kiss. I know he's mad and I really don't blame him. I feel so guilty for everything I've done. Everything I've done, just to test our relationship. I regret everything, and I know he wouldn't agree, but I think he'd be better off without my existence.

Ocean