"Nate, I love you" (Sage's diary)

[Sageyy Viles]

"These violent delights have violent ends and in their triumph die, like fire and powder. Which as they kiss, consume."

It would be a shame at this point in my life, to not write things down. New and exciting things com so frequently now that I almost forget what happened yesterday. Some might question my sanity on the events that occur, but there's only one person to give credit to. Nate. If it weren't for Nathaniel Darren Hobbes, my life would still be incomplete.

I plan on writing some of the things that I never say allowed here. The things I don't voice but still wonder. Nate was Jaelle's friend before me, her boyfriend even before that. And that was hard. It was hard to choose between losing the man I loved, or hurting the closest thing I had to a daughter. Jaelle hasn't ever really been like a sister. Not that she should ever be considered childish. But if I ever did have a daughter, I would want her to be like Jaelle McCloud. Fearless, witty, unstoppable, strong. I want her to be nothing like myself. Tearing apart Nate and Jaelle killed me. The worst part is, I did it so well. I basically stole Nate away, then chased Jaelle out of town. The words "home wrecker" come to mind.

I love Nate, and I want to be with him. I want him forever. But will forever be ended shortly? If Nate doesn't phase, he'll never live longer than an ordinary human. Never. Meaning, I'll have to try my hardest to stop. Stop phasing, Cut myself off from the only family I've ever known. This will be the hardest things I will ever have to do. Otherwise, I'm giving Nate a death sentence. He deserves to be with someone he can grow old with. The hardest part is knowing what's happening now. I haven't told Nate that my phases are becoming more frequent. The stress of Pete and Nate are to blame. I can't think straight when the fire tries to consume me. All I look for is the high that follows. The feeling of being powerful. Not being weaker than Jaelle or stronger than Izzy, I'm me. Being a wolf is the greatest feeling I've ever known, I would just never wish is upon anyone. Not anyone I hated let alone the only man I've loved.

I want to tell Nate all of this. And it's not fair. Bursting his bubble isn't fair to anyone. He's so happy all the time. The look he gets when I walk in the door makes my heart beat fast and my cheeks deepen in color. As if I'm some gift. But I'm lying to him, how am I a gift? Pete is a wolf. And I'm lying to Nate by not telling him. Is it a lie if it was an order? I cannot imagine the hurt he'll feel when he finds out. The imaginary look on his face just makes me hurt. I want to tell him. He deserves to know. According to Sam, he's next. That will hurt even worse. He'll know all these things I"ve been thinking. All the things I've ever wanted to tell him. He won't hold it against me, though he should.

Despite the lies and all the hurt, I can't help but smile. Whatever I'm doing, I just can't stop. He makes me feeling like I'm unstoppable. Like I could swim the seven seas and run the highest mountains. Oh gosh, I'm getting so poetic. Our first date was the best night of my life. Or was it the first night I ever slept with his arms around me? They're so close in amazing-ness. I can't choose. The date wasn't exactly what I'd pictured. All was well until some waiter tried checking me out. I'm surprised Nate didn't jump up and hit him. He was hurt, and confused. Not himself. It's hard to stay mad at anything he says. I've thought about it before. I remember back in high school I had a friend named Mary. She dated this guy Evan so many times. Each time they broke up was because he cheated on her. How stupid I thought she was! He's no good! Don't take him back, he'll just cheat on you! I never understood until now. Nate could tell me time and time again that he would never leave me, then he could cheat... and I'd still take him back. I wouldn't think twice. Nate, hopefully, would never do that. I always feel like he feels what I feel for him, but only human emotions. He can't feel the dry ache in his chest when I'm not around. He can't feel the sense of relief when I see his face. He can't feel the string that seems to hold us together. So what does that mean? Do I feel more for him than he does for me?

The first few months that we were together were hard for me. It was hard not to drive over to his house whenever I wanted. Nate was healing. He needed space. He still loved Julie. No matter how much it hurt me, I couldn't heal it for him faster. I was stuck. Stuck at home, waiting for him to call because I didn't want to push him away. To this day I walk on eggshells. I can't help but think that he may just decide he wants someone normal. He wants her. She'd take him back, no questions asked. It was hard at Bella's wedding, she was there. I wanted so bad to kiss Nate right there, in front of her. I wanted to wave him in her face and let her know that I won. But Nate wasn't some thing to be possessed. He was a person. With feelings. I understood that.

Nate and I are happy, despite my worries. One day, he and I will sit down and I'll read this to him. We'll laugh about the stupid worries I had for us, and know that we survived. I want to be with Nathaniel Darren Hobbes until the day I die. I want to marry him, and grow old (or stay young haa!) with him. I want to be his and no one elses'. And For the day he reads this... Nate, I love you.

-Sageyy

[Sageyy Viles]

"Eyes look your last. Arms take thy last embrace. And lips, o you the doors of breath sealed with a righteous kiss. A dateless bargain to engrossing death.

I don't have much time to write. Nate's picking me up to go have dinner with his family. His mother is the best cook I've ever known. Everything I've ever known about cooking came from my mother and her handwritten cook books. I like taking her recipes and putting a "Marianne spin" on them. Just stuff that Marianne would do.

Marianne was my mother's best friend. They grew up together much as I grew up with Nate, Ana, and Pete. Nate's mother tells the best stories. She remembers things in so much detail. It's uncanny. I only have a few pictures of my mother. I know how pretty she was. Marianne says she sees so much of her in me. Her blond curls, her blue eyes. Isabelle got the Quileute genes from our parents. Dark hair, dark eyes. You can hardly see the resemblence in us. Except the relationship we have to our mother.



She was so pretty. I can only hope that with age, I can become more like she was. So caring, So bright. Even in the darkest of moments she could make us smile. If nothing was going right, she could always see the silver lining. I loved that about her. Nate tries to tell me all the time how beautiful I am. I cannot truly be as beautiful as her. Never. She was quite the person.

That's the thing I love about Nate. Inspite of everything I've ever done to make him have every reason to hate me, he still makes me feel like I have every reason to be loved. I don't deserve someone as good as Nathaniel Hobbes. Oh! You're here! I know I'll show you this one day but until then, Nate, I love you<3

--Sageyy

[Sageyy Viles]

"Love me without fear. Trust me without wondering. Love me without restrictions. Want me without demand. Accept me how I am."

It's been so crazy! Just everything. Love, life, everything. Nate and I haven't gotten genuine time together in weeks. That's all I need. It's what I thrive off of. Time with Nate. He's been pretty busy himself. He's about to graduate. His dad's illness has gotten worse. Miller's still in the hospital. I think it's really bugging him out. He'd never admit it though. He'd never admit weakness.

That's another thing that's been crazy, the whole Miller thing. That night was just insane. My first 'official' date with Nate and there's a 'bear mawling'. I had no problem leaving the restaurant. Nate was already about to hit the waiter. I should have let him. I've never had that sort of problem before. Guys have never actually seen me. I've always been invisible. Things changed that night. A lot of stuff changed that night. It was weird how Nate stated his claim. Like he didn't trust me. But I would never do anything to hurt Nate. Never.

Jaelle's accident was worse. Why does it feel like everyone I love or loved ones of people I love just seem to be dropping like flies. Of course Jaelle is better now. But it was bad, really bad. And that Kurt guy. He's a true piece of work! Nate's tried to tell me time and time again how good of a guy he is. But I don't see it. He took control of the situation like he had a right! I don't care who Jaelle is dating, she's

[/i] my family. Mine. I know that sounds totally and completely awful. And I don't know why I feel that way. I just do! It's almost like she's more of a sister. But not like an older, wiser sister that I get advice from. She's more like a younger sister, like Izzy. Like someone that I'm born to protect.

I'm probably just going insane. Completely and clinically insane. On the bright side, Nate and I are better than we've ever been; aside from not being able to see eachother that often. We write notes! :D They're the things that get me through long days without him. It's fun to find crafty ways of getting them to him. ONe day he sent mine over in a cop car! I thought I was being arrested or something! It was just Marc. He's a good guy.

Out of pure exhaustion, I'm going to close this entry. Nights are the only times I get to write now. I had partol today, nothing really to comment on. Sam's being a douche and putting me on more shifts. But I know I'll look back on these times later and laugh at how stressful they seemed then. Until then, I love you Nate.[/color][/b][/center]

--Sageyy

[Sageyy Viles]

"Put simply; Love is just friendship set on fire" :)

Wow! It's been a WHILE! I decided that since I'm going to show these to Nate anyway, why not write them like my letters to him? So here goes!

Nate,
You, sir, are driving me insane! You haven't returned my calls for almost two weeks now! What's up with you? .... Sorry. I know, you're busy. You've got better things to do than call your nagging girlfriend back.

Yeah, this isn't working for me. All the entries will be a huge mess. So anyway, yeah! He's driving me nuts! I've talked to Anabell more than I've talked to him. Hell! I've talked to his MOTHER more than I've talked to him. But I know, I know. I've gotta' be patient. But patient doesn't work for me!!

This is a rather short entry. I'm gonna close it. Maybe I'll go for a run. Get my mind offa' stuff. Until later, I love you Nate.

--Sageyy

[Sageyy Viles]

Pictures of us just make everything worse so I'm not adding them to this entry. Maybe when this subject doesn't make me want to destroy everything I own, I'll come back to it. It's been a few hours since I found out what he did. He swore she kissed him but in my mind, it take two to tango. I don't know if I'll ever stop feeling this way. I just don't know what to do. I keep staining these pages with tears. I really want to forgive him. I want him to take me into his arms and tell me again how sorry he is. I want to say It's okay Nate. I know you didn't mean to. I love you too. But I know that can't happen. Because he could just do it again if I forgive him.

Is he sorry that he did it, or just sorry that I found out? It's my own fault I suppose. I probably just pushed him away. I should have kept my distance and not nagged him about seeing me. He was going through a rough time though. I thought he'd want me there. I guess not. What hurts the most is that if this is it... if this is the end for Nate and I, I know that I will never find another guy. Because no guy is Nate. He's one guy that can't be duplicated.

That's why I know for a fact that I won't live without him. Dammit! Now I'm going all "Fatal Attraction". I just mean that, there's no sense in living without him. I have no purpose. We live to love in my opinion. And if I can't love anyone anymore, is there any sense in living?

I'm already broken. And he's the only one who's really understood that. He's the only one that's been able to understand how hard it is to let my guards down and let myself love someone after losing the two people that loved me the most. After my parents were gone, I never loved anyone as much. With the exception fo Jaelle and Isabelle. Then there was Nate. It was strange for him at first. He was still healing. But what he didn't know was, so was I! It wasn't until I met Nathan that I realized, I was still broken. I had never healed the wounds that my parents' death caused. And that still won't happen. I wasn't almost there too. But I'll never be fully healed I suppose, just able to cope.

I might sound selfish and cruel but, I think my mother's death hit me the worst. I had to learn all the motherly things from Marianne. All about "growing up" and stuff about sex from her. My mom never got around to it. A mother is someone you can come home to and tell about how much fun you had at school. You can tell her about the cute boy from chemistry that keeps looking at you during class. But not about Nate. The one and only thing I wish I could tell me mother about was Nate. If I only got to speak with her for an hour, just once... I know I'd use the whole time talking about how much I love him. How much I still do love him. And how I know that despite what happened, we'll pull through. I know that no matter what I said that he'll forgive me.. and I'll forgive him.

I know that this isn't over. It can't be over. And I'll be damned if he thinks it's over. I remember as a kid when my parents would argue about something silly, like money, that I would go to my room and come out later to them snuggling up to a movie on the couch. I'd peak around the corner and catch my mom's eye. She'd pat her lap and I'd run and sit down. With Izzy in her swing asleep, everything was perfect. They made it through everything. I want nothing more than for my mother to be proud of me. I want her to think I'm a good person. More than anything, I want to work this out with Nate. It might take a while. But I think after writing this, I know that he was telling the truth. I don't know how... but i can just feel it.

For what it's worth Nathaniel... I love you.

--Sageyy