What's for dinner? -Pete-

[Peter Avery Hobbes]

March 24th - 2010



When you put your thoughts out there online, it gives you this window. This whole big opportunity to tell the world how you feel and hope that maybe that special someone would stumble upon what you wrote down.

This isn't really the case, here.

So I've made this one entry private. The thing is, it's too wierd for any one else to read. Ever. But I have to write it down. It's what I do. And it's what works for me. It helps me to analyze every facet of my life. When I can read it, it all makes sense. I guess I'm private blogging this because I don't want to start a journal. That's kind of girly. And I don't need feminism messing with me now, too.

So I write.

Basically, I'm a werewolf. Really. The process of finding out was painful. And weird. Every part of me hurt. It still kind of twinges, honestly. As if all of my muscles were being stretched to their limits. It's genetic, apparently; thanks mom. And apparently I was the white Hobbes who should have never changed. I was the one that caught everyone else off guard. No one expected this of me. They're all still waiting for Nate. And that's okay. I don't think I'd wish this on my older brother though...

To make things even... more odd. Something happened on the beach today. I hadn't seen Izzy in a while. Isabelle. I've mentioned her here before. It was weird for me, because I've seen her at least every other day sense... forever. We're inseperable. Well, we were. Until Sam laid down the law. I went almost a week without seeing her... I didn't realize how much I missed her before I saw her sitting there on the beach. Sam kept me too busy to really notice. But seeing her filled this hole in my chest I hadn't even realized had formed...

So I saw her. And it was fine. Nothing was different... But then I looked into her eyes, and my whole world changed. I didn't feel the same pull I had to anything in my old life. It's like there are two eras of my existence. Before Izzy and After Izzy. Before Izzy there was my dad, the paper, the games, my friends... And now? Just Izzy. She's everything I see, everything I breathe. Wierd right? I think this is what they call imprinting... But I don't want to be wrong. I should talk to Sam...

Life. It's big and swallows you whole some time. Speaking of swallowing, my mom said we're on our own for dinner. Emily said we're having fried chicken. So, even though this is a private blog we'll keep with tradition.

What's for dinner?

-Peter Avery

[Peter Avery Hobbes]

April 4 - 2010



My mom. My mom is the Master Chief. She never fails to amaze me. She can make the best Chinese food ever, but tonight we settled for Papa Chen's. She got the second best stuff in town. My Lo Mein was exceptional. Nate said his chicken friend rice was a little dry and Ana said her sweet and sour chicken had a hair in it, but they were both grumpy butts tonight.

It's family night. My mom insisted. Nate and Ana had to be without their self-inflicted other halves tonight. I didn't dare complain about having to be apart from Izzy, even though you and I both know it was physically draining. Family is good. For me, I know it is. Helps me keep in touch with Pete when my whole word has shifted drastically. It helps me find myself, those things I love and hated about myself before all of ... this. It's good to touch base now and again, but I guess Ana and Nate don't get that.

Nate's time will come soon enough. As for Ana, I just wish she could realize how important our time together is. Well. I'm sure she gets it, now.

Mom's just told us. Dad's sick again. And it's... bad. The cancers come back. Crept back in. His squamous cells on his tongue are infected, and this is what this means: Soon enough, dad won't be able to talk to us for a while. We've been there. Dad will be miserable. We've been there. Nate, he'll disappear. Busy himself with everything but the house. I'm sure Ana will insist she and Davis spend more time hanging out at our place.

Me? I'll do my job. I'll be Pete. I'll run with my friends, I'll do what I was meant to do. I'll be spending a lot more time with my old man. I just hope Izzy can understand. I don't want to lose him. I just really got to know him the first time around. Too soon for such a good man to be taken from me. I'll be praying. Hard.

Izzy, Sage, and Davis are coming over to finish off the umpteen boxes of awesome Chinese any second now.

So I ask you...

What's for dinner?

-Peter Avery

[/color]

[Peter Avery Hobbes]

My mom made potato soup tonight. It's my favorite. With dad being sick it's easier for her to make stuff we all like and will eat again and again as leftovers, I suppose. And that's how I'll be eating my potato soup. Tomorrow for lunch as a leftover. I can't be at home tonight. I haven't seen Nate since last Friday. I haven't really seen anyone except for Sam. I can't even stand to be around Emily, or to run a shift. The thoughts that swarm through my head are full of crazy disappointment.

Private blog number two, here goes.

So last Friday, I'm running patrol with Paul and Sam and Jaelle. Jaelle and Sam are running closer to the rez and Forks and Paul and I have the outer-ring, nearer to the coast and Olympia. It's good for us because Paul and I can run harder and longer than Jaelle and Sam can. Sam has to be able to check in and Jae has to be able to be close to the house, should something happen. Well, anyway. We're on our second lap around the outer ring when Pauly picks up this trail.

It's a trail we've crossed a hundred times before, but tonight it was fresh. Like the filthy bloodsucker had just left the area. So Paul goes into pursuit mode, and I cut my ring in half to follow. Soon enough, he sees the stinkin' leech and runs faster. Now, Jaelle and Sam are in on it and they're running toward us. This loud nooo runs through our heads as Paul sees the guy attack these kids who were camping. He kills the first one in two seconds, and then Paul is there, inbetween the survivors and the vampire...

So the vampire is quick, he moves too fast and manages to get the second kid. But he's not... drinking from them. -insert physical shutter- Just killing them. Paul goes for his neck and the vampire dodges, getting his arms around the third poor kid. I recognized this guy, hell- I basically grew up seeing him and Nate attached at the hip. I heard Kevin Millers rib break before I could rationalize my actions. The leech let go for one second, giving me this... perfect window to get inbetween them.

Being the dummy I am, I forget I'm a ton of wolf with massive claws here.

So I jump inbetween them and the vampire take off, realizing the threat. When I jumped, though, there was this sound that made me want to throw up. Like the tearing of skin. I turned to check on Pauly, but he was already chasing after the leech. Looking down at Kevin Miller, I realized what had happened. I was too out of control, and Kevin was too close. My dumb big feet got away from me and I mauled him.

No really. I mauled a kid.

Who does that??

So then Jaelle is there, and she saw it happen. She's like... sick. Sam is telling me to run away quickly, and I can't move at first. This is Nate's ex-best friend, and I maullllllled him. Sam tells me I'm not the first and I need to run. Alpha's orders.

What kind of sick kid am I, huh? Who wants this? I can't look at the pain in Nate's face. I can't even think about Miller coming back to school. This thing, this horrible thing that I've done is killing me. I used to find comfort in Emily, but I can't anymore. Not since I know I'm just as capable of hurting someone as the monster who hurt her.

Sam is too kind. Too understanding. This is killing me.

... I guess I'm eating whatever Sam thinks to bring out to the patrol cabin, my self-inflicted prison.

What's for dinner?

-Peter Avery

[Peter Avery Hobbes]

It tends to be one thing after another.

Have you ever noticed that?

It's like when one little thing happens, something else that's bigger is just waiting around the corner. And something bigger after that. It's like life is testing you, seeing how much you can take until BAM! You can't take anymore. And life is cruel. Cruel, cruel, cruel.

I've found the girl I'm supposed to be with forever, and I get to hold her in my arms and kiss her and love her with all this love I've been holding on to. And it seems like my capability to love her grows everyday. Everyday there's something new, something wonderful I realize about her and it's good and it's perfect and she's everything I've ever wanted.

But some days; I get to realize that she's just a teenage girl.

A teenage girl who is, in fact, completely normal. And who I should expect to still be confused about what she wants or who she wants, because lets face it: she's sixteen. I'm sixteen, too. In theory: I should be living it up, kissing girls, making mistakes, falling in and out of love like nobodys business... But I don't want to. I only have eyes for her.

Because she's perfect. It's like her heartbeats just to comfort me. Her eyes shine when I show up. I know she feels for me what I feel for her. I know she loves me. But it's possible to care for more than one person at one time. Just not for me. Not anymore. It's Izzy. It's always been Izzy.

And it's hard, fighting against nature. Fighting against comforting her when I just want to be a normal, jealous, sixteen year old douchebag. But that's not what she needs right now.

She needs me. And Lord knows I need her.

I just wish I needed time more.

Burgers for dinner. Dad knows how to make it okay, right?

Hey you: what's for dinner?

-Peter Avery

[Peter Avery Hobbes]

Bill Hobbes never ceases to amaze me. He can endure chemo in the morning, and somehow find the strength to stand over the grill for an hour at night: just to make Nate's favorite BBQ Wings. I think it's his own slap in the face to the world. He's just proving that this is not going to beat him.

I think about all the things I've learned from my dad in my 16 years. Patience is one. My dad taught me early on that all things come to those who wait. And he was right. Another thing he taught me was how to fight for those things that we thought were important enough. He taught Nate and I, when were just kids in day-care, that we can't always get what we want. That we have to decide what's important to us and fight for it. Hold out. Endure until we got it. And only then could we decipher what we want versus what we need.

Never, in my sixteen years, has my father ever taught me to get physical. Bill taught me words and non-violent actions, ways to get what I want like a man should instead of dealing with things like boys do. And I thought I was good. I thought I was so much like him. Until I punched Nick.

Right in the jaw. It was my first reaction, but this time I didn't fight against it. I didn't hear my dad in the back of my mind, I didn't even pause. I just let it go. Because I was mad. Because I was jealous. Because I was freaking out and couldn't figure out how else to deal in that moment in time.

I talked to my dad about it and he said he's had one similar situation. Over mom.

It makes me feel not-so-bad, knowing it happens to the best of us.

So Nick probably hates me now, and for now: that's okay. I'm hoping one day he can understand my actions. Put himself in my shoes. Did he deserve it? As much as I want to say yes, yes he did: he didn't. No one deserves to be the victim of physical violence.

In other knews: I need to fix things with Rea. I haven't been the same and I know she's been getting the neg. of that. When did I become Nate, anyway? -insert a physical shudder at the thought-

BBQ Wings for Dinner. Then we're watching the A-team. Taking it easy for a night.

hey you...

What's for dinner?

-Peter Avery

[Peter Avery Hobbes]

Date night with the Izzy. Date night. I love the sound of that. It feels like I've been running around with Sam and the boys so much that I never get to see her anymore. Staying with Emily makes it a little easier, she's only 2 minutes away. But still: a whole night with just Iz? Priceless.

I have this whole plan. We're going to drive up to Port Angeles. I'm going to take her out to Michael's. It's this seafood and steakhouse. Kinda pricey, but so worth it. I can't decide between chicken or steak. Now, I can't take her out to places like this every night like she deserves, but this night is going to be perfect. Then we're going to go see that new actionychickflick movie. Something for her something for me. I'm sure it'll be just awful but she really wants to see it, so who am I to disappoint? Then a walk on the waterfront, a funnel cake for the hungry boy and a trip home. Good, right? Right.

Leo is taking Addi out tonight to. Part of me thought maybe it'd be polite to offer to double, but I'm a little too selfish for that. I need time with Izzy. Just her. Make myself sane again.

So I'm eating some chicken and fries. Or steak.

What's for dinner?

[/color]

[Peter Avery Hobbes]

And so begins my three day hospitalization. Yippee. I don't even need this, so really it's like "hey, Petey. Why don't you take a break? Spend some time resting and not in school... OH! And away from your girlfriend and family because something might set you off and cause you to put too much pressure on your poor little heart."

I feel broken. Broken. Damaged. Malfunctioning. I've dealt with this my whole life, but not since I was a baby have I had to spend three days under observation. Soon they'll come in and hook me up to a monitor. The next three days I'll be in and out of X-rays and spending a lot of time with Doctor Cullen, my favorite person ever. Note the heavy sarcasm, please.

Thank goodness for Nate. Some days, when he decides not to be such a jerk, he's the best brother a guy can have. He picked me up from school with a large pizza and some subs to split before I was condemned to my hospital bed. Sometimes I'm thankful for Roberto moving in, though I'd never admit it. When Nate gets especially pissy toward him, it's like we're a united front. A common enemy brings together even the worst of foes, right?

I didn't tell Izzy about this. I didn't want her to worry too much. I know I'll probably hear all about it later, but hopefully these tests go well and I can be back to phasing and running like nothing ever happened. Let's not get it twisted, mind you: I plan on telling her. I don't hide things from her, I just choose to tell her after it's over and done with. She doesn't deserve to just sit at home and worry for three days.

My mom and dad are coming home from the Makah reservation late tonight. It's kind of weird checking in without them. But I've got Nate and Rea, so that's good. I'm only going to say this once, but I'm a little scared this time. I actually blacked out this time. Who knows how long my heart short circuited this time? The point is that I'm going to figure this thing out and come out on top.

The nurses are coming around now so I'm signing off for now to go through the first round. So not looking forward to it. I'll write again when I have eight monitors on my person.

I really hope Rea comes through on her promise to bring me something good for dinner. Even leftovers would be good. And of course pudding; the only reason why hospitals are worth it.

What's for dinner?

[Peter Avery Hobbes]

I drove down to Emily's today, and went out of my way to make the extra drive behind the street where she lives. I just wanted to make sure she was alright, to hear that heartbeat that I so rely on. I didn't want to hurt her, never in a million years would I want that.

I guess a piece of me wanted her to be happy. And I thought that if she was still needing the attention from Jake or Nick or whoever, that I needed to let her go. Too young to be tied down, too free to be reigned in. That's my Izzy. How is it fair to her that I claim her as mine for now until forever, when she still cares about them?

And if I'm being totally real, it's not fair to myself to put myself through that. I know that one day she'll see exactly what I see, but until that day the idea of her even talking to either of them drives me crazy. And that's just possessive and cruel and I am not that person.

I guess, in some sense, she's always been mine. And I've always been hers. I'll never feel for another girl the way I feel for her, I know that much... I just don't want to be the reason she has to walk on eggshells when she's around them.

If you love something let it go?
That advice royally blows.

Eating some home-made guac. It's all I am really in the mood for.

What's for dinner?

[Peter Avery Hobbes]

My mom and I made peanut butter chocolate chip pancakes for dinner tonight. It's one of those recipes that she doesn't have to think too much about. It just all falls together for her. She also stopped by the video store and picked up three movies; Soul Surfer, Red Riding Hood, and Sucker Punch. We more or less listened to Soul Surfer as we assembled dinner.

There's a part where the girl who gets her arm eaten by the terribly fake looking shark (though that part made mom jump and it was hilarious) sees her arm as it's going to be forever for the first time. And the young girl is strong and she doesn't cry like you figure a teenage girl might, but she deals with it... And then the mom goes out into the hallway and the dad asks her if the daughters okay, to which of course she replies yes.

And then he asks if she, the mom is okay. And the mom shakes her head, honest with him, and just kind of falls to pieces.

This fun silent tension filled the room for about two seconds. It struck a chord, as the saying goes. We can relate to that. I am probably never going to be "whole." I will probably have to be on some sort of medication for the rest of my life. Even if I learned self control like Nate has, I'll never be able to play sports. Or go bungee jumping. I can't play with my heart and take risks the way every else can. I can imagine my mom being like the mom in Soul Surfer. Falling a part in the privacy of my dads arms the day she realized that.

My mom is the strongest woman I know. She deals with me and all of this craziness with the hospitals and that other furry problem. And she stands by my dad when he comes out of remission. And as strong as I, Ana or Nate thinks she is, she's only human. And we, as a people group, can only deal with so much.

I can't tell if I made things better or worse by hugging her at that moment, but it was one of those moments etched into my brain. Nate came in about three minutes later and my mom let me go, not wanting him to see that anything was wrong but it's Nate. He has this inane sense for reading people. I've got to admire his heart. As cool or popular as it seems, he's never let that change the way he cares for us.

By the time Robert and Dad came back from Grandpa Warner's, she had her brave face on again. So now she's actually going to sit through Sucker Punch with us. I doubt she'll ever cease to amaze me.

Going to meet with McCreepy tomorrow.

In the mean time, what's for dinner?

-Peter Avery