Post by Gwen Olivia Michaels on May 29, 2011 15:23:52 GMT -4
So, Sammi said I should start writing down my feelings, that way, I won't explode. Like I normally do. But whatever. What does she know about me? Besides that we grew up together. But, again, whatever. It doesn't matter what she thinks, it never did to me, even during all those years. What people think of me doesn't matter.
But what a lie I tell myself. No one's gonna read this damned thing besides me anyways, so I can be completely honest. Who knows, maybe it will help. Probably not, but you never know.
In all honesty, everything bothers me. I don't mean for it to. I don't want to take things personally every freaking time. It just happens. I don't want it to. At all. I hate who I am. And it's all because of him. Because of them. The five guys that ruined the rest of my life in an instant.
But it wasn't an instant. No, it was two agonizing days in Matt's basement. Naked, tied down to a table, a couch, a chair. Being touched in places I shouldn't be at the young age of 15. Being sliced open by the guy I loved with all my heart. Being raped numerous times, and not being able to stop anything, not being able to do anything but scream and cry and beg.
It took a week in the hospital to finally be stable enough to go home. I had cigarette burns on my thighs and stomach, and i still have the scars. I had cuts on my stomach, thighs, breasts...other places. That was just the extent of the physical damage.
While Matthew, Danial, John, Jim, and Jerimiah raped me, burned me, cut me, they told me things. They called me names. That sounds so stupid, to let 5 boys yelling names at me affect me the ways it did. But it did affect me. It still does. I was called a whore, and it was proven. 5 boys had their ways with me. I was called fat, ugly, trashy, slutty, and so many other names. And I believed it all. I still do.
They also told me that I deserved everything. And I believed it. I still do.
I deserved to be raped. I was stupid enough to open my heart to an older guy. I was stupid enough to trust him. I was stupid enough to let him talk me into having sex. I was plain stupid.
I'm waiting for Sawyer to do something like that. I shouldn't be, but I am.
He tells me that he'll never hurt me like they did. He tries to understand me. He tries. That's more than a lot of other people do.
and I barely trust him.
But what a lie I tell myself. No one's gonna read this damned thing besides me anyways, so I can be completely honest. Who knows, maybe it will help. Probably not, but you never know.
In all honesty, everything bothers me. I don't mean for it to. I don't want to take things personally every freaking time. It just happens. I don't want it to. At all. I hate who I am. And it's all because of him. Because of them. The five guys that ruined the rest of my life in an instant.
But it wasn't an instant. No, it was two agonizing days in Matt's basement. Naked, tied down to a table, a couch, a chair. Being touched in places I shouldn't be at the young age of 15. Being sliced open by the guy I loved with all my heart. Being raped numerous times, and not being able to stop anything, not being able to do anything but scream and cry and beg.
It took a week in the hospital to finally be stable enough to go home. I had cigarette burns on my thighs and stomach, and i still have the scars. I had cuts on my stomach, thighs, breasts...other places. That was just the extent of the physical damage.
While Matthew, Danial, John, Jim, and Jerimiah raped me, burned me, cut me, they told me things. They called me names. That sounds so stupid, to let 5 boys yelling names at me affect me the ways it did. But it did affect me. It still does. I was called a whore, and it was proven. 5 boys had their ways with me. I was called fat, ugly, trashy, slutty, and so many other names. And I believed it all. I still do.
They also told me that I deserved everything. And I believed it. I still do.
I deserved to be raped. I was stupid enough to open my heart to an older guy. I was stupid enough to trust him. I was stupid enough to let him talk me into having sex. I was plain stupid.
I'm waiting for Sawyer to do something like that. I shouldn't be, but I am.
He tells me that he'll never hurt me like they did. He tries to understand me. He tries. That's more than a lot of other people do.
and I barely trust him.
